The Hidden Costs of Divorce: A Personal Journey

Hi everyone, it’s Caryn, and welcome back to The Music of Life! This week, I’m diving into a deeply personal and eye-opening episode about the subtle—and not-so-subtle—ways financial control and manipulation can manifest during a divorce. I’ll share the bizarre story of how toilet paper became a symbol of power in my marriage, along with the emotional and financial toll it took on me. From hoarded household goods to disrupted financial agreements, this episode is all about resilience and reclaiming control when everything feels stacked against you.

If you've ever felt like you were being played in ways you couldn't have imagined, or if you're simply curious about the emotional layers that come with financial independence, this episode is a must-listen. It’s raw, it’s real, and hopefully, it will give you some insight into navigating similar struggles with grace and strength.

Episode Highlights:

[0:06] - Kicking off the episode with a vivid dream and its surprising connection to real-life challenges.
 [2:45] - How toilet paper turned into a bizarre control tactic during the marriage.
 [6:12] - Breaking down the financial manipulations and their emotional impact.
 [8:33] - The truth about court-ordered temporary maintenance and the games played with joint accounts.
 [10:20] - Uncovering how generosity was weaponized to maintain appearances.
 [12:45] - Closing reflections on resilience, taking the high road, and the importance of community support.

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Transcript

Caryn Portnoy: 0:06

Karen, hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. So I ask you, how was money handled through your divorce? I mentioned in an earlier episode, a dream that I had where I ran into my ex husband at a local supermarket where we shopped, and from where I was standing there was an employee that was wheeling or pushing pallets of toilet paper and didn't see that I was standing right in front of it. So my ex husband saw that I was standing there and didn't warn me that the employee was moving towards me. But eventually he hit me and I fell to the floor, and the next thing I knew, I was writhing in pain, and there was something that was biting or pecking at the back of my head, and I was just screaming, Get it off me. Get it off me. And my ex husband was like standing over me, not helping me, as I was still screaming, and eventually he crouched down and smirked, as if he was enjoying that I was in that much pain, crazy dream, I know, but there was some significance as to why I was dreaming about toilet paper. And I'm going to talk about some crazy stuff that went on financially during the divorce. You so the significance of the toilet paper in my dream represented a situation regarding toilet paper in the house. My ex husband would leave a few rolls of toilet paper underneath the bathroom sink. He would replenish them at his will, forcing me to ask him for more when I needed it. Eventually, he would hoard toilet paper in his room to control my usage. Let's sit with that for a second. I mean, it's mind blowing. He would make sure our daughter had two roles in her room at all times so she never ran out, except when he forgot to do that and she had access to his room, and she would go in and help herself. So she was in on keeping toilet paper away from me at his direction, which is so sick. It's a good thing that I had cases in my room and or in my car, but the mind fuckery about this was just off the charts. He kept saying how I used too much toilet paper, except I've used the same exact amount since we met 27 years ago. What else could he possibly control me with? At this point, it felt like he was circling the drain running out of things to control me with. This was a whole other level of abuse, and once again, you can't make this shit up. A plumber once told us not to use Charmin toilet paper because it's like putting paper mache in the inside of the sewer pipes because it's too soft. But he said we could use Scott Comfort Plus, which was safer for the pipes. So that's what we used all these years with all of my ex husband's pettiness, mind fuckery, sabotage, manipulation and control, just about toilet paper. Do you know how easy it would have been for me to use Charmin the entire time during the divorce, now that I have to buy my own toilet paper and all, it's something he absolutely would have done if the tables were turned for sure. But I didn't stoop to his level. I took the high road instead Scott comfort. Plus it was the whole time. My ex husband didn't keep the financial status quo in the house as he was supposed to. He was supposed to continue paying for everything he paid for before I filed for divorce, all food, paper goods, household products, anything for the inside of the house. He decided he wasn't going to follow doing that, though he thought he was above the law. He dwindled down buying food for me until he eventually stopped altogether and only bought for him and my daughter, constantly talking to her in front of me about all of her favorite food items that he got her all in an effort to make me jealous. Somehow, little did he know I bought all of my own favorite foods and didn't care about these games he played. He would constantly take inventory of paper goods and household products stored in the basement to make sure I didn't take anything except Who do you think paid for the membership fees every year for the Costco and BJs membership? Ships and who provided his ability to buy cheaper gas at BJs because we were members. Yep, that would be me. My attorney didn't want me to change anything though, even though he was I didn't stoop to his level here, either his entire mo in his efforts to destroy me was also to make sure I was destitute. I had been a stay at home mom for 15 years, and while I contributed to our family financially by working at my daughter's day camp and sleep away camp for a decade, whereby not having to pay over $150,000 for camp during that time, he never once acknowledged that savings as a contribution to our family. I wonder what my daughter would have thought if he had succeeded in stripping me of all financial support and causing me to be homeless on the street, living in a cardboard box, as he repeatedly loved to say in front of her, he was so determined to make that happen, the mother of his child, that's how badly he tore me down, treated me like gum on the bottom of his shoe, made me insignificant, irrelevant and invisible to my daughter, all right in front of my face, and she went along with all of it as an innocent victim in his ploy, a child, he made sure to buy her loyalty and secure her position on his side, whatever she wanted, whatever the cost, there was Nothing he denied her except a relationship with me. I had used $3,000 of marital money many years ago and invested it which he knew about and asked me about over the years. He knew what I was doing, but took no interest in it at all, other than asking how much money I had made with it over the years, it's a good thing. I grew that account to $75,000 by the time I needed to access it during the divorce. That along with another account that was half mine, was able to sustain my living expenses while he was trying to choke me out of any financial support, my attorney filed an emergency motion to get me court ordered temporary maintenance while we were still living together. It wasn't much, but it helped. We always had his parents on our family plan for the cell phones, which I always paid every month during the marriage. His parents would give me a check every six months or so to pay for their phones on our account. Once I filed for divorce, I'm 99% sure they gave him the check, thinking he was paying the bill all along throughout the divorce, but the bill was always in my name, so he refused to pay the bill because it was in my name, so I'm left paying the bill while he was pocketing his parents checks. There was an incident early on in the divorce proceedings with his health insurance, which coincided with his health reimbursement account. During 19 years of marriage, I routinely submitted bills to his insurance company, and he always instructed me that whatever insurance didn't cover to submit the remainder to his HRA account. I always filled out the forms and he always signed them. It was no different after I filed for divorce, because he was supposed to maintain the status quo. When I got this particular reimbursement check from the insurance company, he told me to submit it to the HRA account like usual. I informed him that they wouldn't reimburse the expenses any longer. He told me to call the HRA department to fight it as they are supposed to reimburse us. I told him that, because the plan is in his name, they won't talk to me. He has to call them. So he did. He instructed me that they are agreeing to reimburse us now and to resubmit it. I eventually got the reimbursement check. It was a few $1,000 which I normally deposited back into my checking account so I can pay other bills, a constant cycle of paying bills, getting reimbursed, depositing checks, paying more bills, etc. Except now he decided to flip the script and accused me of stealing the reimbursement check and proceeded to call me a thief for three years in front of our daughter. Meanwhile, I had created an Excel spreadsheet documenting what bills I had paid with corresponding bank records as proof of what bills I paid with that reimbursement check, and more, all bills that he should have been paying under the status quo. Can you imagine the mother of. His child, he not only wrongfully accused me of stealing money, not only stopped buying me basic needs for me to live, not only stopped paying household bills so I would continue paying them, draining any money I had for myself, leaving me destitute, and normalized it all to our daughter so she was fully in line with him. Why he was even discussing any of this with her is horrifying and wildly inappropriate. She's a child, not a pawn to support his evil agenda against me. He often made donations to various charities, mostly as gifts for family members, birthdays, primarily as various organizations were meaningful to those people. I was always the one paying for the donations, and I spent whatever we usually spent for physical gifts. I can't tell you how many times he would tell me to, quote, unquote, just give $18 when I always gave more, because no one would see the amount or no, after all, it's always about the facade to others, and if they couldn't tell the amount, he would skimp every chance he could. I never listened to him, though I always gave whatever we always gave. Here is a guy who used to buy his clothes at Costco for the 27 years that I know him over the course of our three year divorce, he started buying and wearing Lululemon joggers for himself. He would shop at trendy stores that our daughter would make him shop at, since he wanted to portray himself as the quote, unquote cool dad and be in with her friends. And since he was no longer spending money on my basic needs or many household bills, he had all this money to spend on both of their wardrobes. For Hanukkah this year, he bought her $1,200 Prada sneakers, a Cartier bracelet, Louis Vuitton slides new Ugg slippers, and, of course, more clothes. He solidified her like no other, locked and loaded. She's not getting out of his grip anytime soon. He's making sure of it. Another example of the smoke and mirrors he played was buying me a mink jacket one year, a friend tipped us off about a reputable Furrier, she knew who was going out of business and was offering steep discounts to family and friends only. So my ex husband insisted I buy something to take advantage of the sale. I picked out what I liked and got the jacket. What a perfect way to show everyone how generous he was with me. How bad could he be if he bought me a mink jacket? Little did anyone know that the only reason to buy me that jacket was to continue his facade that he loved me so much and wanted to give me gifts. Does this guy sound like a hopeless romantic to you in any way, shape or form? Thus far, it was all to keep up appearances, nothing more. I've never even worn that jacket. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. I invite you to comment, like, share, subscribe. You can reach me at the music of life five, five@gmail.com with any questions or stories or experiences or anything that you want to share with me, I'd be happy to talk about it on another episode. You can check out my website@podpage.com slash the music of life. You