The Dynamics of Narcissistic Co-Parenting

Co-parenting with a narcissist is not just difficult—it’s a relentless, exhausting battle that impacts every part of your life, especially your children. In this episode, I relive the realities of narcissistic co-parenting, from parent alienation to emotional and legal abuse. I share my own experiences, highlight expert insights, and include powerful clips from professionals like Dr. Ramani and Dr. Christine Marie Cocciola. These discussions shed light on how narcissists manipulate children, weaponize the legal system, and leave the targeted parent feeling powerless.

If you've ever felt like you're constantly in survival mode, battling high cortisol levels, chronic fatigue, and the never-ending emotional and financial abuse that comes with co-parenting with a narcissist, this episode is for you. I also share clips from a registered psych nurse who explains the physical toll of narcissistic abuse, as well as a powerful message for single moms who feel trapped in this cycle. Stay tuned because I promise—you’re not alone, and there is hope.

Episode Highlights:

[00:06] - Welcome to the episode and why this topic is so important.
[02:07] - A powerful insight from Dr. Ramani on why mistreating a co-parent is abuse.
[03:43] - The heartbreaking reality of parent alienation and how it impacts children.
[06:32] - A registered psych nurse explains the physical effects of narcissistic abuse.
[08:53] - The harsh reality of counter-parenting and why narcissists refuse to co-parent.
[09:55] - The common experiences of narcissistic abuse survivors and a message of hope.

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Transcript

Caryn Portnoy: 0:06

Karen, hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. You. I spoke in the last episode about legal abuse and how narcissists use the legal system against you. I came across something that was written by a parent alienation coach. The name wasn't available, but I will just say that it's a parent alienation coach who said something that is not often talked about yet happens very frequently, is when the alienating parent confides in the child. What the alienating parent does is tell the child about court dates and court proceedings, and they make the targeted parent out to be the bad guy, the alienating parent constantly reinforces this to the child, saying that the court is making this happen, or the court is making that happen, and the child feels like they owe the alienating parent their loyalty and they don't want to then spend time With the targeted parent. Ultimately, these are not things that children should be discussing with the parent. This is definitely something that I experienced within my divorce all along, throughout the three years we lived together during the divorce, I found a couple of video clips online that I wanted to include in this episode that really spoke to me. One of them includes Dr Ramani, who is the leading expert in narcissism, and she had a guest on her show, Dr Christine Marie cociola, who is a psychologist, and they were talking about narcissistic co parents. So I'm going to play the clip for you, and here we go. You make

Unknown: 2:08

a point, and I think it's so important for people to hear because it's actually one of the most impactful things you've ever said. One of the things that comes up in these conversations about narcissistic co parents and coercive controllers is, but he's a good dad, and your take on it was absolutely brilliant. And when you said, I don't care if they go to every sports game, take them to Disneyland, buy them clothes, if that parent is willing to mistreat that child's other parent, that's abuse. It's abuse towards the child. It always stayed with me that even if this parent is coming off as the model parent, the fact that they're willing to mistreat the other parent is actually the abuse of the child. Well, they're great with the kids. Are they great with the kids? If they're willing to dismantle their other parent, the children learn that that protective parent is only loved if they do exactly what they're supposed to do. So we're raising children in a family system where they know that if they don't do exactly what they're supposed to do, their love is not they are not receiving full love, and in that, children grow up devaluing themselves. It's, you know, believing you'll never be loved for who you are. It's reproducing these dynamics in adulthood. And not, you know, it's not, it's shame. Exactly. It's, I am not lovable unless I morph into what this other person wants. And it's, it's a very, very anxiety, anxiety ridden way to live a life.

Caryn Portnoy: 3:43

So, you know, I talked a bit about parent alienation in earlier episodes, and that was definitely something that my ex husband was doing with my daughter by keeping her in his room with the door closed as a way to keep her away from me regularly. Here's something else I found from a parent alienation coach who I just quoted earlier. It says when children reject a parent in high conflict situations, it is often not because they truly want to it's because they feel they have no choice. These children are caught in a cycle of emotional and psychological abuse that is difficult for outsiders to recognize. On the surface, it looks like the child is choosing to distance themselves from one parent due to mistreatment. However, in many cases, the rejection is actually a survival strategy. When one parent consistently speaks negatively against the other parent manipulates the child's emotions or creates an environment where love and acceptance are conditional. The child learns that siding with the favored parent is the same. Safest option to maintain a sense of security, they reject the other parent entirely, even if that parent has done nothing wrong. Over time, this behavior becomes ingrained and the child truly believes in the negative things that they have been told. They may even express anger, fear or make false accusations, not because of their own experiences, but because they've been pressured into seeing the rejected parent as bad or unsafe to outsiders, family members, teachers or therapists. It can look like the child is making an independent decision, but in reality, the rejection is a response to deep emotional manipulation the child is trapped feeling unable to love both parents freely. As heartbreaking as this is, this is exactly what I lived through for three years. So when I say that my ex husband systematically dismantled my relationship with my daughter right in front of my eyes without any ability to change or affect anything. This is why, this is exactly what went on in my house with my ex husband and my daughter. Here's another clip that I found. This is from a registered psych nurse who is very skilled in understanding the effects of narcissistic abuse and how it affects you physically. Here we go.

Unknown: 6:33

There's an actual wound that narcissistic abuse will cause from the trauma that they give you that nobody really thinks about. But listen to me explain it, because it'll make sense. That wound that narcissistic abuse trauma causes is something called chronic fatigue. Take it from me. I'm a registered psych nurse. I'm gonna try explaining this to you as easy to understand as possible. A narcissist is going to overload you with cortisol at such a level that if it was spread over three people, just in you, y'all three would test high. They stress you out. Duh, that's a given, but they actually impact your central nervous system, which is in charge of your fight or flight or your rest and digest, your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system, and they put you in a constant state of survival mode. Think of tensing a muscle up and never letting it go. Think about having a muscle cramp that doesn't go away or spasm that doesn't go away. Of course, it's gonna hurt and you're gonna feel exhausted, so if you're in a constant state of survival mode, that's why you probably feel pretty darn exhausted. Plus, how many narcissists actually let you sleep in the first place? But this is a wound that you didn't even know was there. I want to help you get out of it. If this sounds like you, please comment heal on this video, and I will send you everything I know as a Cyprus to help you fix those traumas for good. I believe in you. It's not your fault. You're not crazy. You never were. The best is yet to come. God bless

Caryn Portnoy: 7:53

so that was something else I experienced, that constant state of survival, fight, flight or freeze, never knowing which one I was going to be in, but being in one of them all the time, relentlessly. Yes, my cortisol levels were off the chain, and yes, I was constantly exhausted, which was why the first two years of my divorce, I could barely get off the couch. Everything was just to survive this hell. There's one more video I want to play for this episode that is really from I couldn't find any credentials on this guy, other than he knows a lot about narcissistic abuse. I don't know if he's been through it or if he's just skilled in talking about it, but it made a lot of sense, and it certainly explained another element of what I went through in my divorce. Okay, here we go. How many

Unknown: 8:53

single moms are trying to co parent with an abusive narcissist? It's impossible, impossible. They don't co parent, they counter parent. Co parenting involves meeting in the middle for the sake of the kids, these narcissistic deadbeats will do everything possible to look like the fucking victim, all while making his ex look as bad as possible. And the sad part is, because he's so good at manipulating, some people buy his bullshit, including the judge. There's so many single moms out there trapped in this never ending saga where they're still having to deal with his abuse even after escaping Can you imagine escaping your abuser but still having to be abused verbally, mentally, emotionally, financially, legally, narcissistic abusers live off of retaliation. They will stop at nothing, even if it means screwing over their own children, if it means winning to all my single mothers out there, stay strong, continue to keep your side of the street clean and know that eventually he's going to bury himself.

Caryn Portnoy: 9:55

Clearly, this is all that I've been talking about throughout this podcast so far. And it's just kind of validating to hear these people and experts corroborate everything that I've lived through. So you know, I've been reaching over 300,000 people in all of these divorce groups that I'm in on social media, and I hear this exact story over and over and over again, and whether it's having to do with the legal system, whether it has to do with manipulating the children and weaponizing them against the targeted parent, or if it's financial abuse, or, you know, any of this, the psychological, emotional, mental abuse is just across the board for everyone. And I just want anybody out there who's listening to this to know that there is hope. And I'm going to be talking about my intense healing journey that came from this in upcoming episodes. So hang in there. I know that this is like the worst time in your life. It will end one day, I promise and healing and hope and inspiration is ahead for you. So keep listening. And if there's anybody here who knows of anybody who's going through something like this, I hope you'll share this podcast with them and let them know that there is hope ahead. Thanks so much. I'll see you in the next episode. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. I invite you to comment, like, share, subscribe. You can reach me at the music of life. Five. Five@gmail.com with any questions or stories or experiences or anything that you want to share with me, I'd be happy to talk about it on another episode. You can check out my website@podpage.com slash the music of life. You