From Heartbreak to Healing: A Journey of Hope

Hey everyone, welcome back to The Music of Life! I'm Caryn Portnoy, and today’s episode is a deeply personal one. I’ve talked a lot about my divorce in past episodes, but now, I feel like I’ve turned a corner. It’s time to focus on healing, hope, and the journey forward. My healing process wasn’t quick—it took over two years—but I made it through, and I want to share what helped me move from heartbreak to a place of inner peace.

In this episode, I’m opening up about the rituals and practices that helped me, from spiritual awakenings and prayer to meditation and self-care. I also share the unexpected connection I made online that brought love and companionship during my healing process—and the valuable lessons that relationship taught me. If you’re navigating loss, heartbreak, or major life changes, this episode is for you. Healing is possible, and I’m here to remind you that blue skies are ahead.

Episode Highlights:

[0:00] – The moment I knew I was ready to stop talking about my divorce and start focusing on healing.

[5:45] – The three things I refused to let my ex take from me.

[9:30] – My weekly ritual baths and how they became a sanctuary for emotional release and prayer.

[14:20] – How an unexpected online connection turned into a deep and meaningful relationship.

[22:40] – The slip-up that could’ve ended everything—but instead brought us closer.

[30:15] – The devastating breakup and how I navigated the pain of losing someone I deeply cared for.

[35:50] – My personal "rebirth" moment at a Florida beach and how it symbolized the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.

[38:30] – Where I am now, what healing looks like today, and my hopes for the future.

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Transcript

Caryn Portnoy  00:00

I said to him, I think I understand why you said her name. And he said, Okay. And I said, I really believe that whatever you felt for her, I reminded you of that. And he he couldn't believe that, that I was that forgiving and compassionate and sensitive and and all of that. And it was just as the words were coming out of my mouth, I really did feel that way, but the words didn't come from me. It definitely felt like something was guiding me to say that, hi everyone and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. So I've come to a point in this podcast where I really am done talking about my divorce, and I think it was two episodes ago, I just kind of put the mic down and thought to myself, I'm really sick of talking about my divorce, and it's time to let my audience know that there is hope and inspiration and blue skies ahead in time, and it will take time. It may take a long time for me. It was a two and a half year very intense healing journey, but I'm now on the other side of it, and I'm doing really well right now. So, but I do want to share my journey with my audience, because I think that you'll get a lot out of it. So I just want to say that even though I'm officially saying that I'm done talking about my divorce, I know there will be times that I jump back to earlier times in my divorce, when it's appropriate, depending on what I'm talking about in the future. So while I'm saying that I'm done talking about it, I do recognize that I will come back to it at some point depending on the content. So during my divorce, I would say, at the worst of the worst of it, which was about a year to a year and a half in took three years until we completed and another six months or seven months until we were officially divorced. So during this time, when we were still living together and and the shit hit the fan daily. I was really kind of clear with some instinctual, I guess it was some sort of like innate feeling I had that wasn't something that I was conscious of until, until I was conscious of it. If that makes sense, I really just wasn't aware of it until I became aware of it. But there were three things that were kind of like a guiding light for me that at some point I recognized within myself. One of them was I was very determined to not have my ex, crush, my spirit. I was also very determined that he would not close my heart. And lastly, I was very determined that he would not break me, even though everything that went on was set up for that to happen, for all three of those things to happen. And I just, I wasn't going there. I just, you know, my my room, my bedroom, which was in the guest room, was like my only safe space in the house that was my haven. And it would be in the dark hours of the nighttime that I would be able to kind of, you know, think about how things were going and how I was feeling about things. And, you know, I would somehow allow my thoughts to, you know, fantasize about the future and and what would life look like once this divorce would was over, even though I never thought it was going to end. So as time went on and things were as bad as they could be or as bad as they ever were. I started weekly baths where I would leave my house, I would go elsewhere, and I would take these baths once a week, religiously, every week I was doing this where, you know, I would put all different kinds of salt in in the bathtub. I, you know, I used to walk on the beach all the time. So I would gather sea water and containers and put that in my bath too. And sometimes I would do, you know, different color roses, and I would have rose petals in there, and it was just my sacred space to just pray, to meditate. And to cry, and that was where I released so much of the pain that I was going through. And when I say that I was praying it, it didn't come easily or naturally at the beginning. It was something that I kind of forced myself to do because I was at such a breaking point within my divorce and my life that, you know, I was at rock bottom. I was not thinking I was ever going to survive this. And you know, there comes a time when when something big happens in your life, whether it's a divorce, whether it's an illness, whether it's a parent, an addiction, anything you know, anything like that, it just breaks, you know, it brings you to your knees. And this is what my divorce was doing. I had mentioned in earlier episodes how I was watching myself get, you know, deconstructed and in real time as it was happening. And that was when I learned my three biggest lessons, which was letting go of control, regulating my emotions and patience. And although it took quite some time for all three of those things to happen, and I was always two steps forward and one step back. You know, I was not perfect at any three, you know, any of these things at any point, but I was persistent, and I was determined, and, you know, I knew that these were very important lessons for me to learn, and I just believed, I just believed that there was a bigger calling for me to learn these lessons and to claw myself out of the hell that I was in. So prayer, kind of, you know, was the next step from there. And I will say that the thing that really kind of guided me is, is my belief that there was a power bigger than me at work here. And I was always a spiritual person. I always believed in something that I I believed in but couldn't see, which is basically the definition of faith. It's believing in something you can't see. And I think I was 19 when I had my first spiritual awakening, and my sister kind of set me on that path. She introduced me to a book that I believe was very popular back then, but I'd never heard of it before. It was called a return to love by Marianne Williamson, and I believe it was early on in the book where she talked about how there was an old mythological story called the mists of Avalon. And I believe the story was in essence saying that there were these magical mists beyond clouds that you know, people could travel to, but you couldn't travel there unless you believed that it existed. And it was, it was a very eye opening concept to me that, you know, if you believe that something is there, even though you can't see it, does it mean it's there? Does it mean it's not there? I guess it's kind of like, you know, you believe that the tree falling in the forest actually does make a sound if no one's there to hear it. So it was a concept that I, I believed early on, I, you know, 19, and that was kind of my introduction to spirit and the spirit world and divine creator, source, God, whatever you call it, that was my first introduction to it. And over the years, I kind of developed a spiritual journey and a belief system that, you know, it felt good to me, it made sense to me, and I never saw myself so much as a as a religious person. I was more traditionally, following, you know, what I grew up with and and what my family did over my life. And, you know, I, I felt like it was okay to have two worlds. So part of me had a religious world, and part of me had a spiritual world, and, and at the helm of both was God for me. So that was where I came from, in terms of, you know, previous experience with, you know, spirituality, but now I was calling upon it more than ever because I was in so much pain and and just could not get a grip on what was happening and what was supposed to happen next. And, you know, I just I was free falling, as I mentioned so many times, in so many episodes. So I would say it took about six months of this regular bathing, praying, meditating, you know, I would say really and truly for the first six. Last month was when I really felt my mother's presence around me. You know, she passed away, and I always believed that people who pass away and their spirits are around you, and especially your loved ones, they're, you know, always guiding you, protecting you. When my mom died, I really believed that I would have a better relationship with her once she passed than the relationship I had with her while she was still alive. And for the first six months that I was doing these rituals, you know, ritual baths, I felt like I felt like she was around me. I felt her presence. I felt like an energy next to me or like over my shoulder, and I found great comfort in that I wasn't freaked out about it. It I really, truly believed it was my mother. I called upon her all the time, every time I prayed, every time I meditated. There was, you know, time allotted that that was just for her. And it brought me peace, it brought me comfort. It brought me hope. And it it really brought strength out in me, because I felt like God was having my back somehow, some way, he was gonna make a way for me. And in my opinion, God is a man, but God could be a woman too. And, you know, gender neutral. So during this time, it was interesting because, like I mentioned in earlier episodes, my attorney told me from the moment I served my ex husband that I was allowed to date. It was not considered illegal. It was not considered cheating. And for me, I wasn't ready for a very long time to meet anybody in person, and I was very strict about that with anyone I spoke to online. I was fine to talk to people online, but I just was not I did not want to bring any more chaos into my divorce with my daughter by meeting somebody in person. So what was interesting was, during this time that I was, you know, doing my weekly baths and and I was, you know, getting much more into prayer and meditation, I wound up connecting with somebody online. And it was, it was a very interesting start to a very beautiful connection. As it turned out, we just kind of clicked very early on. I don't really remember the exact beginning in terms of, you know, what was it that made both of us kind of perk up about each other, but I do remember very early on that that there was something very special about our connection, even though, you know, we were strangers online. I would say things that he was thinking, he would say things that I was thinking. And then oftentimes we would say the same thing at the same time. So, you know, something like that doesn't always happen so regularly. So it was definitely something we were kind of like noticing. He lives in Colorado, I live in New York. I think that the distance was a safety net for me, being that I wasn't meeting anybody in person, and I was open with him about how I felt about that, and there was no pressure on either end that, you know, we had to meet anytime soon. We texted a lot and messaged a lot, but we also eventually started speaking on the phone and FaceTiming and stuff like that. So there was no issue about, you know, hmm, are you who you say you are? Kind of thing I we started to build a really nice friendship. It became evident to both of us, kind of early on, that this was definitely soul mate connection type of thing. And what was really interesting to me was that I felt 100% safe with him very early on. I trusted him 100% very early on. And you know, coming from my divorce and how chaotic it was and all of this, it was very interesting to me, how I felt that safe and that trusting that early but he was very consistent. He proved to be trustworthy, and someone I could feel safe around. And it was, it was a really beautiful kind of friendship that we were building. But there was definitely an attraction there and and we were definitely very compatible in that regard. You know, we were both the same zodiac sign, and we had very similar personalities, and yet, you know, he was very confident and masculine, and he was, he was a great leader in in a relationship. Ship, and I felt that immediately, and the more masculine he was and confident and all of that, it was so easy for me to drop into my feminine energy and just it felt so natural, and it felt so good, and we were just connecting. And it was really kind of magical. You You

Speaker 1  15:20

know,

Caryn Portnoy  15:24

at one point he had asked What perfume I wore, and when I told him what I wore, he got like a small bottle of it, and he would put some on his pillowcase so he could, you know, imagine what I smelled like in person. But he, you know, I thought that was very romantic that he did that very sweet. So in his situation, he has four kids, two older ones and twin girls that are the same age as my daughter. And we had very similar parenting styles too. And you know, sometimes I would ask his opinion about things that I was pondering with my own daughter, and he would ask me, you know, issues that he had with his kids. So, you know, we were there to support each other. And you know, as time went on, it became like we were each other's person. I relied on him a lot. You know, he was just, he was always there for me. He worked from home and owned his own business. So, you know, it was, it was really convenient for us to speak to each other throughout the day, you know, every day. And you know, I knew that his wife had passed away. I think she was one of the early COVID fatalities. And it was, you know, tragic when he explained what happened, but we talked a lot about his wife, and I was very curious and asked a lot of questions, and he was very open with me about it. And, you know, I think they were married like, 30 years or so. I mean, this was like his person. And you know, I knew that he had dated and gone through other relationships before we connected, and we were just very open about our situations and where we were at. And, you know, at this point, I had been on my healing journey for about six months or so, by the time we connected, or maybe there was more of an overlap there. I don't remember logistics or anything, but it was just very easy and natural, and honestly, it was the healthiest relationship I ever had for not even meeting somebody. He used to send me these care packages and gifts and just thoughtful and romantic and generous and sweet, and you know, I could go on and on. It was somewhere around six or seven months, I believe, and we were having a very intimate conversation. And And at one point he had said his wife's name instead of my name. Her name was Carol, but, you know, my name is Karen, so it wasn't totally off kilter that, you know, they sound similar and whatever. But in, you know, in my past, really and truly, if that ever, ha, I mean, that's never happened to me before, ever in my entire life. But if it ever happened before, that would have been it. I would have been like, Okay, you're out. You're out of here, and don't ever talk to me again. I mean, nobody's gonna call me by some other woman's name. And this was my first indication that God was somehow involved in this connection. He was somehow involved in something going on, like there was definitely a divine hand in this connection. And this was the first time that I felt it. Because instead of saying to him that I you know you're out of here. This is what came out of my mouth instead, like immediately following the slip up, I said to him, I think I understand why you said her name. And he said, Okay. And I said, I really believe that whatever you felt for her. I reminded you of that, and he he couldn't believe that, that I was that forgiving and compassionate and sensitive and and all of that. And it was just as the words were coming out of my mouth. I really did feel that way, but the words didn't come from me, it definitely felt like something was guiding me to say that, obviously it never happened again. But it was to me, it was very eye opening that, you know, this was like my higher self stepping in and saying something that was compassionate and that brought. Us closer together, ultimately, anyway. So, I mean, it was pretty it was pretty cool. I would say it was maybe around a month after that happened, where we were, you know, we often had very deep conversations, and he would open up and express himself and his past and meaningful relationships and all kinds of things. And I would too, and at some point he just kind of said to me, do you know that I love you? And I was just kind of like, I was kind of thinking that, but I didn't know, and I didn't want to say anything. And you know, it was just kind of like confirmation for both of us that we both felt the same way. And you know, we never said it to each other. I think both of us kind of realized that if we were ever to meet in person, you know, that would be one thing, but until that happened, you know, it was kind of strange to say The L Word to each other out loud like that. So everything was just wonderful. For a very long time, we were actually together. You know, I say together in quotes because, you know, we still never met at that point and still. But, you know, we we were together and connected for 14 months, and there was one time where we kind of like stopped talking to each other for nine days. There was I had an issue about something. I brought it up to him. We talked about it, and he was kind of like he needed time to process what we were talking about. So for nine days, we didn't speak, and it was like torture. And I saw, I saw a tick tock reel that talked about, you know, how, how it's so, how amazing it is when you meet somebody who kind of comes out of thin air, and suddenly they become your person, and then you can't ever imagine them not being in your life again. And so I sent him this reel, just, you know, reminding him that, you know, this connection is very rare and unique and special, and I don't like being separated for nine days, so he kind of messaged back, like, I hope we're not gonna ever be strangers again. And that was kind of how we reunited. He ended up sending me flowers for my birthday that year, and just like, you know, what a great guy. He really was a great guy. So, you know, things were going fine. He, you know, our communication was like off the charts. I'd never been with somebody who communicated so well and so openly and honestly and genuinely, he never had any issues with me. And he was very vocal about the fact that, you know, he'd never been with anyone like me and and I felt the same. There was, you know, I had no issues until I had one issue. And the one issue, I think it was, you know, if I had to sum it up, I would probably say that he was always great about connecting, you know, online or or over text or whatever, messenger. And it was great when it was convenient for him, but my issue was when it wasn't convenient for him, I felt like he kind of dropped off a bit. And, you know, I just kind of brought it to his attention and, and, you know, we talked about it and stuff like that, and, and I think I triggered something in him that maybe it was an insecurity that he wasn't ready to face, I don't know, but in retrospect, that's kind of what I think happened. But that one issue just kind of wouldn't go away. And so whenever it came up, you know, I kind of brought the attention to it. And again, he needed time to process and figure out how he felt about this. And and lo and behold, after 14 months, you know, I heard it in his voice when we spoke on the phone and I said, you're done, aren't you? And he said, Yes. And I couldn't believe that this was the end and that this wasn't an issue that we could work out like I don't know what it was, but it was, it was devastating that, you know, we couldn't work this out, so we spent the next hour and a half on the phone crying. Both of us were crying. That was another thing that was so attractive about him, was that he. I was secure enough as a man that he was able to cry when when we needed to cry. You know, the day that I was moving out of my house and I ended up at the police station because my ex husband was totally unhinged and unstable, and it was a very scary place for me to be and I didn't feel safe in my house and all this stuff, so I wound up at the police station trying to get them to arrange for a police presence at my house the next day, when I was moving out, and they agreed to have police there. So as soon as I got in my car and I finished talking to my attorney to let her know that this was what was going on. He was my next phone call, and I was just I felt safe, to just cry to him and just release the pressure cooker of how I was feeling and how I didn't feel safe and all this stuff and, and I heard him crying also. I mean, he wasn't like bawling, but I heard him, you know, releasing tears and stuff and, and it was just that made me feel safe. It made me feel safe that somebody cared that much about me and was so worried for my safety that, you know, it moved him to tears, and I knew in that moment that if he were right in front of me, he would have protected me. So anyway, when we were having our our ending conversation on the phone, and we were both crying, and, you know, like, there would be a lot of silence where both of us were kind of like processing the end. And, you know, I would say, what, what about this or, or another memory would come up. And, you know, we would just, we were giving each other closure. Is basically what it was for an hour and a half of crying and talking things out. And he had been such an insane supporter of mine. I mean, I'd never had such a cheerleader before, somebody in my corner who just wanted me to be happy and pursue my dreams and my goals and and and just I deserved the best of everything, and he just always made me feel that way. And so one of the last things he said to me before we hung up, you know, I said to him, I just want you to be happy and and he said to me, like, even at the end, you're such a graceful woman. And he said, Go and do all the great things I know you're gonna do, and you know, it meant so much to me, because we had spent 14 months, you know, getting to know each other so intimately and so profoundly. And it was just, it was such a beautiful connection, even up until the end, and once we hung up, you know, that was it. I wasn't turning back. If it took time for me to come to this conclusion. But, you know, at some point, maybe a couple of months later, I realized, you know, if he was willing to walk away from me and risk losing me, then I was not going to ever turn back. And if there was ever going to be a connection at all in the future, whether, I didn't think that it would ever be the same if, if that were the case. But, you know, we used to always say that we couldn't imagine not being in each other's lives on some level, and even if it were just friendship, like I just I never expected us to never speak to each other again, but I was never going to be the person to reach out. And so it took several months of me crying and mourning that relationship that meant so much to me. You know, I cried a lot at inopportune times, at times, and I allowed myself that healing. I allowed myself to process it the way I had to process it and cry when I needed to cry and distract myself when I needed to and and it was just a very sad time for me. But you know, when I prayed about it and when I meditated on it, what came to me in those moments was that his time was up. You know, people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And I guess he was meant to be in my life for a season. Eventually my crying became less frequent and less intense. And as time went on, you know, I thought about him a little bit less. And I started, you know, thinking forward and and moving on. There came a time where I ended up driving to Florida from New York, mostly to get away and get a change of scenery. Had been on a vacation in over four years, and I was really looking forward to just having some solitude and, you know, being in the warm weather and just enjoying peace. But really the the main impetus for my wanting to travel down there was because I really wanted to find a nude beach where I could kind of get in the ocean and cleanse myself and just spiritually wash away the old me and let go of the old me and embrace and welcome in the new me. So a friend of mine, you know, we did some research and found a nude beach that was about an hour and a half away from where I was staying in Florida, and I went early in the morning, and I there must have been four or five people there, and I noticed that from the moment I parked my car in the parking lot until I got into the water, I noticed every single fear that just bubbled up. You know, the whole time, I always had a phobia of snakes. And when I took this long, narrow path from the parking lot all the way down to the water, you know, there were tons of bushes and critters walking around in there. You couldn't see them, but you could hear them, and I was very nervous that there would be a snake that came out, and so I was very fearful of that walking through, until I got onto the sand. And as I set my stuff up on the sand, and I was getting ready to get into the water, you know, this wasn't clear blue Florida Water. It was kind of like that, that green color that's not very clear. You can't even see your feet looking down into the water. So I I stripped down. I ripped the band aid off and stripped down. I slathered sunscreen all over me, because I'm very fair, and I got my ass into the water. And, you know, I was always nervous about being in the ocean, because I don't I had a fear of jellyfish and eels and water snakes and any other kinds of critters in the in the ocean, and seaweed and algae and stepping on shells and something, you know, to hurt my feet. I just saw all of these fears bubbling up. And, you know, before I even got out of the car in the parking lot, I had prayed to God just to be with me, and, you know, spiritually cleanse me in the ocean and just to make a way for me. And I lo and behold. You know, there was, there were no snakes, there were no eels, no jellyfish. There was nothing in the water at all. It was soft sand and green water, and that was it. There was nothing else for me to be afraid of. So the the waves were active. I can't say that they were strong enough to, you know, push me over. But they were definitely active. And every time a wave came at me, I just in my mind, I just said, God, just cleanse me. And I must have been in the water 45 minutes to an hour, and it was just such a profound, memorable experience. And, you know, it was kind of like an unofficial baptism. I guess I was just very aware and clear that I was releasing the old me and making way for the new me. And it felt really good. And I was so proud of myself. I was so happy. I was, you know, I felt it won with God, and it was a really great feeling. And it also helped me, you know, release the relationship that I was still mourning over. And it definitely helped. It definitely helped my spirit to just kind of like, you know, put it, kind of put it in its place and and embrace it and cherish it for what it was, and to know that there must be something better waiting for me in the future. And you know, he served his purpose for my life at that time, and it was time for both of us to move on so and then once I came back to New York, it was just a matter of moving forward in my life. And you know, I had been in a recovery state for a couple of months, at that point where my body was recognizing that it was safe to sleep and rest the PTSD symptoms I had were starting to fade somewhat. A nervous system started to calm down. I mean, I was definitely noticing these things, even though it wasn't 100% normal yet, but I definitely saw progress and and it felt good to know that I was healing. I spent a lot of time in solitude at that time, just praying a lot, meditating a lot, doing all the healing work that I knew I needed to do inside, you know, my my inner work. And the more I did, the more I wanted to do, and the more I, you know, I saw the fruits of my labor and all the energy that I was putting into healing myself, it was just, I just wanted to keep going, and because I cut so many toxic people out of my life, and the people that remained were really my tried and true and just I balanced out my time with my friends and other people in my life and and my time alone. And it was, it was just eye opening, how how peaceful, how happy, how fulfilling my life was becoming. And as I started to move forward with this podcast, and starting to see a vision of how I wanted it to go and what it was going to take to get it there, and all of that, it just became my life started to have a certain amount of ease to it that I never experienced before. You know, for 27 years, I was married to somebody who always was breathing down my neck, and, you know, coming at me from every which way, and I, you know, it was just, it was a hard marriage to be in, and I feel such freedom now and such peace and such like I love my life now. The hardest part is not having my daughter with me and not being able to see her because she wants no part of me right now, and while I've accepted it, and you know, I can't do anything to change it. I can't force her to be with me on my parenting time. I you know, I can't do that. So I have to wait. I have to ride it out. I have to give her the space and time that she needs to figure things out for herself. I always am here for her when she's ready, willing, able. You know, I'm always here to be with her on my parenting time. I you know, she's my number one priority in that regard, but I can't force her. I can't pull her out by her hair and make her come with me. So you know, the only thing I can do is just let her know that I'm here. And you know, she knows where to find me. She comes to me when she needs something. But in the meantime, my life is moving on, and I hope that she I hope that she gets to a better place about us sooner than later, but it'll be what it'll be. And just like I saw God deconstruct me during my divorce, down to zero, I seen how he's deconstructing my daughter and I, too, down to zero. And the thing about being at a zero at that point is that there's nowhere else to go but up. So like I had faith in myself through God, I have faith in my relationship with my daughter through God. I do believe that one day she will see the truth for herself. What you know My intentions were for her versus what my ex intentions were for her, she'll be able to make her own decision when she's far enough away from both of us to be able to look back and see the truth, and I have faith in that. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. If you'd like to reach out to me and ask questions or share stories of your own, your own experiences through any of these things, I would love to hear from you. Please also subscribe.