Healing Through Connection: A Journey of Self-Discovery

Life has a way of bringing people into our world at exactly the right time. In this episode, I open up about a powerful connection that played a huge role in my healing journey during and after my divorce. I share how meeting someone who truly saw and valued me helped me break free from people-pleasing tendencies, rebuild my self-worth, and experience emotional safety in ways I never had before. This wasn’t just about romance—it was about recognizing my own strength, understanding my emotional patterns, and learning to stand fully in my power.

I also dive into the deep work of healing while still experiencing pain, balancing masculine and feminine energies, and trusting that God was guiding me through every challenge. If you've ever felt stuck in heartbreak or questioned if healing is even possible, this episode is for you. Let’s talk about resilience, growth, and the life-changing impact of genuine connection.

Episode Highlights:

[00:02] - Welcome & introduction: A glimpse into my healing journey.
[03:15] - How deep emotional pain led me to an unexpected, healing connection.
[07:42] - Breaking free from people-pleasing & learning to use my voice.
[11:28] - The balance of masculine & feminine energy in relationships.
[15:00] - Trusting God's plan through pain & transformation.
[19:25] - Embracing self-care, self-love, and the power of inner work.
[23:48] - Final thoughts: How to start prioritizing yourself and your healing.

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Transcript

Caryn Portnoy: 0:02

Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. So we met at a time when things were really, really bad in my divorce, and I was really struggling, and I was losing hope that there would be love in my life at some point, and I had so much love that was just coursing through me for so many years, and nowhere to release it. It was just kind of recycling over and over and over, and I couldn't give it to my daughter for three years during the divorce, because I was being stripped of mothering her each day right up until the day I moved out, and still, so the only way to express my love was to my dog, who was thrilled to reciprocate it at every chance she could. We really healed each other during the divorce and exponentially more once we moved out of the house. So connecting with the guy from Colorado came at the perfect time for me. He had been in a couple of relationships since his wife died, and he was getting ready to give up dating altogether and just be happy being alone. He had kind of resigned himself to that at that point, but God had other plans. So as we got to know each other, I saw ways in which my healing journey started to show itself to me. I had been a habitual people pleaser for most of my life, I can really go back to childhood with that one I had been working on releasing all behaviors, attitudes, thought patterns, belief systems and anything that no longer served my highest good. And as we were getting to know each other, and I would notice something I said or did to people please, he would simply say to me, Karen, you matter. Just say the thing you want to say. He was showing me in that moment that he was a safe space for me to be honest about what was on my mind, and we would talk about it respectfully and without judgment. I realized at those times how much I hadn't been able to say what I wanted or what was on my mind in my marriage, because my ex husband always criticized me or invalidated me or dismissed me, it became easier to just not speak up at all at those times. So hearing someone tell me that I mattered and that my voice was important was so refreshing and supportive I always appreciated when he said things like that, and we spoke about it openly, when things like that came up, he had such a strong level of emotional maturity, intelligence and availability. He was one of the smartest people I knew, and I was wildly attracted to his intelligence. Thankfully, it was mutual, as he was vocal about how fascinated he was by my being so multi dimensional, we never ran out of things to talk about, laugh about, share our pain, about, learn from each other, about and more. I heard somewhere that laughter is one of the highest forms of intelligence, and there was no shortage of laughter between us. You it was funny also that he was a guy who cursed a lot like a lot, but it worked because he was so intelligent, so it just made his character more colorful. We had healthy debates at times. He shared his views on certain things that I disagreed with, but saw his perspective on it and vice versa. We never fought, never disrespected each other, never Dishonored each other. I felt unbelievably taken care of emotionally, that whatever we lacked by not being in person, we made up for emotionally, our connection just felt so good overall. So connecting at this time during my divorce was a breath of fresh air that I was needing. I was in so much pain at that time in my life, and he became the release valve of my daily pressure cooker. I expressed my appreciation to him often, but we were filling up each other's cup equally. So there was a balance in our connection, that I was very aware of an equal give and take. One of his biggest clients was a life coaching School. From the start of our connection, it became apparent to him that I was a natural coach. He recognized that in me immediately, although that wasn't necessarily a path I wanted to pursue at the time, but it was the first time ever that I felt seen, heard, understood and valued. Even though this relationship eventually came to an end after 14 months, I was always so grateful for all that I learned. In this connection about him, about our connection, and about myself, the parts that I always wanted, and got to experience with him, the parts that I didn't want, and got to let go of here and new things that surprised me along the way. I was able to be myself and be celebrated for it. I was able to speak my mind and heart without any fear of judgment or criticism. I bounced ideas off him. He bounced ideas off me. The attraction was there from the beginning, and the longing to meet someday grew, even though we never got that far with all the inner healing work I was doing at this time and shared with him as well, he was so impressed, supportive and proud of me as I faced so many challenges and obstacles head on, it's hard to explain what it's like to heal at the same time I was being abused. I guess I could say that my cup was depleted every day from my divorce, but then filled back up from this connection. It kept me going till the end of the divorce and beyond. So I was able to sustain myself somehow I recognized I was a bit of a unicorn, as it's not something many people can do, or would even choose to do. I remember having conversations with him and I would simply say to myself out loud, what is my lesson here? What am I supposed to learn right now? He was always blown away that no matter what the issue was, I automatically faced it in real time and walked through that pain to come out on the other side with some answer or resolution. I didn't know then what that would be preparing me for later on, but I'll talk more about this in future episodes. Once we broke up so abruptly, I remember being so mad that he whipped my person away from me. I had come to rely on him so much, and even though I understood that his time was up in my life, I now understand all these months later, what the purpose and lessons were. In retrospect, where I am now, six months after we broke up, it is so much clearer to me. While the first four to five months after moving out of the house was exclusively timed for my recovery from the trauma of my divorce and living situation, my prayer and meditation practices were still very consistent as I started to eventually emerge as someone who finally felt safe to rest, saw my PTSD symptoms start to fade, and felt my nervous system start to calm down. I worked to release so much of the pain from my past, all of the people, places, things and more, anything meant to bring me down, hurt me, ruin me, and prevent me from moving on. I was releasing it all, and in the process of letting so much of the old me go and the parts of my past that needed to stay in my past, what I started to see was the new me beginning to emerge, like I mentioned in earlier episodes. I needed to let go of control throughout my divorce, regulate my emotions and learn patience lessons that God had me see in real time. It became clear to me at that time that he was deconstructing me to rebuild me better, stronger and wiser, even though I was wildly out of control at this time during my divorce, never perfect and mostly moving one step forward and two steps back for the past two months. Now, I am excited and so proud to acknowledge how much I've grown and healed as the new me is developing. I'm currently the most authentically me that I've ever been emanating my brightest light and sparkle that I've ever experienced in my life. So far, people I know are telling me that I'm glowing and shining now, that I've changed, that I look different, I feel it, but I don't necessarily see what they see. Yet, I'm so grateful and humbled by it, though, and I worked my ass off to get here. All I know is that this was not just me making this all happen. I never, and I mean, never, could have gotten to this place in my life. Now without God, he made a way for me and had my back every step of the way. You might be wondering, well, if God was with you every step of the way, why did he let you suffer so much? He allowed me to go through every bit of what I went through as a way for me to come home to myself, to learn to love myself, depend on myself, find my value and self worth, figure out what it meant to prioritize self care. And self respect to set up strong boundaries and establish high standards for myself. And now I can say without a shadow of a doubt I will never settle for anything less ever again. I absolutely know exactly who I am, and I love myself for everything I went through to get here, I learned that With God, everything is possible on my own, not so much if anyone ever said to me, you can have the life of your dreams. Live in peace with so much love, abundance and happiness, but you have to go through sheer and total hell first before you can have all of that. I wonder if I would have signed up for that. I imagine most people wouldn't sign up for it either. It's why we stay in bad marriages, toxic friendships, jobs we hate and more. Change is scary. Walking into known pain is terrifying, and who wants to do any kind of inner work willingly? I'm well aware that I'm very much a unicorn here to go head first into the unknown. Out of sheer desperation, will and determination, the strength and bravery it took to initiate my divorce from a toxic spouse was one thing, not allowing him to destroy me in every possible way was quite another thing. Typically, though, a journey like mine that brings you to your knees is something forced upon you when you're at your own rock bottom, rather than seeking out a complete transformation in your life, the lessons I learned from my breakup with the guy in Colorado is that while he taught me what healthy love looked like, that it was more than okay to trust someone with my heart, that I could be happy in a partnership, and how much I loved and craved The polarity and attraction of masculine versus feminine energies you I learned that both men and women have both energies within and it's up to us to balance those energies for the best success in a romantic relationship, I learned that masculine energy typically shows up as making decisions, being a leader, negotiating, providing, protecting, etc. Feminine energy typically shows up as being loving, nurturing, supportive, caring, intuitive, etc, and before any feminist chime in with not being subservient to the masculine, I saw myself come into balance in my own life, making decisions with this podcast, figuring out all the logistics with it, leading which way I wanted it to go, etc, all masculine energy. And when he and I would speak, I got to sink into my softness, allow myself to be taken care of, emotionally, listen and support him, etc, all feminine energy. I saw how the balance of energies felt so easy, natural and harmonious, and exactly what I seek at my next relationship. I'm so proud of myself for being so open to change, for being willing to try new ways of being in relationship, for never abandoning myself through the worst of my divorce, and for consistently seeking God's love, strength, guidance and protection, I wish you all could experience His presence in your life if you don't already, there is nothing like A horrific divorce to throw you into the mud and strip you of everything you've ever known, including the love from your children. I am reaching over 300,000 people in all of the divorce groups I'm in on social media, I read and comment on your posts. I post my own thought provoking topics and questions and know what you're going through, and want to help and inspire you through my own story. So many of you feel stuck, unable to move through your divorce, sometimes unable to get out of bed. How do you learn to love yourself when someone spews nothing but hatred towards you, you find one thing that you enjoy doing, maybe it's listening to your favorite music or going for a walk or cooking or taking a pottery class or watching the sunset, you get the picture each day. Do one other thing or the same thing, whatever feels good to you as you get consistent with it. Add another thing into the mix. Keep going at your own pace, till you have so many things in your life that you feel good in your heart and soul. Build from there. What does self care look like to you? Is it going to the gym? Is. It getting a massage, getting your nails done, meditating, singing, maybe it's taking a leisurely bike ride somewhere. You get what I'm saying. These are just some suggestions. The point is to prioritize yourself and do things you love for yourself. You'll see in time that you can take time out of your day to enjoy something and smile for part of your day, then you can go back to suffering. It's all in your mindset, and it's all up to you. And maybe just maybe, you'll think about inviting God into your life one day, a power greater than yourself, however you perceive him to be. Just start there. If you want no pressure, please join me every Thursday for a new episode. If you'd like to reach out to me and ask questions or share stories of your own, your own experiences through any of these things I would love to hear from you. Please also subscribe. You.