Authenticity and Love

In this heart-centered episode, I dive into a deeply personal reflection sparked by a recent conversation with my liver doctor—a conversation that turned into a powerful reminder of how far I’ve come, both physically and emotionally. From revisiting my journey through liver disease to confronting the bittersweet dynamics of my current relationship with my daughter, this episode holds space for vulnerability, healing, and full-circle moments that reminded me of my own strength and sweetness.

I also open up about something I’ve hidden most of my life—my immense capacity to love. Through the lens of childhood memories and recent emotional insights, I share what it’s meant for me to reclaim that part of myself. If you've ever felt like you needed to hide who you truly are, especially when it comes to expressing love, this episode is for you. Tune in as I talk about embracing authenticity, showing up fully, and why I believe now is the time to stop holding back.

Episode Highlights:

[0:02] - Welcoming you with honesty and a stuffy nose—recording despite being under the weather
[1:15] - Recapping a 17-year relationship with my liver doctor and our emotional full-cir.cle moment.
[3:48] - Opening up about my daughter and the pain of our current estranged relationship.
[6:10] - The validation I didn’t expect but truly felt—my doctor’s heartfelt words.
[7:15] - Childhood reflections: feeling unseen despite being called “sweet”.
[9:22] - Hiding my love as a young girl and realizing why I’ve kept that part of me tucked away.
[11:40] - The turning point: finally feeling safe to love fully and be seen authentically.
[12:50] - Love beyond romance—everyday moments of connection and genuine presence.
[13:55] - Feeling a divine nudge to open up and live from my heart.
[15:00] - A thank you for being here while I share what’s real, messy, and deeply meaningful.

Links & Resources: 

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Transcript

Caryn Portnoy: 0:02

Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. You so I'm a little congested today. I've been homesick with the flu for the last few days, but I wanted to record something today, because there were a couple things that popped into my mind, and I wanted to make sure that I was able to record it before it left my mind. So I know, I think it was two episodes when I was talking about, you know, different examples of how I felt God showed up for me regarding my health, and I actually had a virtual doctor's appointment yesterday with my liver doctor for a follow up. And because I wasn't well enough to go into the office, he agreed to do a virtual appointment with me, which I was very grateful for. And it was interesting because, you know, we kind of went down memory lane over the last 17 years that we've been working together, and there were some astonishing things that I couldn't believe he remembered from 17 years ago, and we just kind of filled in a few blanks for each other along the way, just to kind of recap my journey and and where I started with all of my liver issues, and where I am Now, and the fact that I'm stage one, and you know, we talked about how scary it was to have stage four cirrhosis, and that people who have cirrhosis are at much greater risk for liver cancer. And we talked about that a bit, but you know, he pulled up my biopsy slides from 17 years ago, while we were talking and confirmed, once again, that I did have cirrhosis, and he said, but the fact that you were able to resolve it and recover from that in such a relatively short amount of time was kind of miraculous. And while he doesn't believe that I'm at risk for liver cancer. We're gonna just, you know, do an ultrasound and make sure that there are no tumors or anything like that, but he believes that I'm probably in the clear. So it was just really kind of like coming full circle, I guess, and just staying on top of everything, and just, I don't know it was, it was a nice, warm, fuzzy kind of appointment for me. And you know, because he was there at the beginning when we were trying to have my daughter, I felt like he was such an integral part of it. And you know, every time I have appointments with him, he's always asking me about my daughter and how she is and, you know, how old is she, and what sports is she playing, and things like that. He's always taken an interest over the last 15 years that she's alive. So yesterday was no different. And you know, I filled him in on the status, or non status, of my relationship with my daughter right now, which is, she wants no part of me. And, you know, it's, it's heartbreaking and for both of us, even though she's 15 and angry, and, you know, has her own feelings about things. You know, I always say, there's no good age for your parents to get divorced. And she didn't ask for this, but she saw the writing on the wall, and she knew that we needed to not be together. So anyway, that's another conversation for another time. But anyway, so when I was explaining that our relationship is really not good and not present. He was very sorry, and he, you know, kept saying that I don't deserve this and that she's really missing out, and that I'm the sweetest, most kind woman that he's ever met. And he said, I'm a parent too, and I can feel your pain and all of that. So it was just kind of reassuring and and validating, even though I wasn't asking for that. But, you know, it was nice to hear that somebody who knew me on a non personal level could really feel my my energy and my heartbreak and my sadness and all of that, and reflect back to me what his experience of me has been over all these years. So that was really nice. I'm just warning you, I may get emotional as I progress this episode. I was reflecting a little while ago about my inner child and. How I felt as a young girl, I want to say somewhere around the age of like, 789, somewhere around there, maybe even a little younger, I'm not really sure. But you know, I was thinking back to what it felt like to be at that age, and who I felt that I was, and the parts of me that I felt I needed to hide from other people, or kind of like, not really reveal so much. And you know, when I was a very young girl, you know, I got a lot of attention from, I don't know, waiters in particular, especially at Chinese restaurants. My My mother used to always tell me that when I was very young, I looked Asian, and so anytime we went to a Chinese restaurant, the waiters always served me first. For some reason, that was always a funny memory for me, but I did get a lot of attention from relatives, from strangers, like it didn't matter. Everybody always said how cute I was house, how sweet I was. And that was just kind of how I remembered my young childhood as I was getting into, like, 789, you know, like that kind of awkward stage. I felt like people just didn't really see me. They saw my outside, but they didn't see me, so I wasn't really sure who I needed to be for everyone else at that age. So I was shy. I was kind of like, you know, some people, they they're outwardly funny or witty or sarcastic or the class clown or, you know, there's like, a side of their personality that they bring out to everyone, and that's how everyone relates to them. I didn't show that inner side of myself, so I felt like people just didn't really know who I was, and maybe that's how I wanted it to be at that age. I don't remember being conscious about it, but I suspect that that was maybe what was happening, that that maybe I was insecure of who, you know about who I was, or maybe I felt like, like people just wouldn't understand me, maybe because I didn't understand myself. But what seven or eight your nine year old does i Yeah, but really, at that age, I just kind of remembered that everybody just kept saying that I was sweet and I was cute and all that stuff. So that was kind of my my memory. But now, as I said, I was reflecting earlier today, I started thinking about that side of me that I kept hidden for, not just my childhood, I'm gonna say, most of my life, and I kind of just had, like, this epiphany about it, that the part of me that I felt was sweet and loving that, you know, people saw in me, but I didn't really show too much. I think that what it was was that I felt so much love inside of me, and it was so strong, and I was afraid to show that, because I must have thought that people couldn't handle it, and now as an adult, being able to identify it, it's like a very guarded now about who I give my love to, because now as a almost 56 year old and being involved with so Many divorced people on social media and hearing everybody's stories and wounds and traumas and pain and all of that, including my own. It's like I'm so ready to fall in love and be loved, and because I've healed so much, and it's it's very I feel like my heart is just waiting for the right person to give it to, and and I'm I'm not giving it lightly, I'm not giving it casually, and it's just, I'm just ready for, I'm Ready for, I don't know I'm ready to start showing my love outwardly for who I am and what I'm about, and I don't want to keep it hidden anymore. So part of this podcast, of course, it's to share whatever experience, whatever healing, whatever wisdom I've gained, whatever my divorce has provided me, in that regard, to be able to help and inspire other people. Authenticity is part of this, and I don't want to keep parts of me hidden anymore. I would say I think it's apparent at this point with all the episodes that I've talked about my divorce. A Love was a very difficult challenge for me in my marriage, being married to somebody who didn't express love or appreciate it being given to them for so many years. I mean, I'm going to say 2627 years somewhere around there, it was hard for me to be authentic with my love. And although I did express love to him and share my love with him, it definitely wasn't at full capacity. And you know, the truth is, I never felt safe enough to do that. And I, you know, I've mentioned before about how, you know, hindsight is 2020 and looking back at, you know, all the years and and all the growth, and what lessons I've learned and all of that, I think the biggest lesson I've learned so far is how important It is to be ourselves and to be authentic and genuine, and because I've become so much more secure in who I am, and I've learned to love myself and take care of myself and respect myself and set boundaries and have standards and all of those things, I Feel like I've created that safety within myself now to express my love fully and freely and abundantly. And it's not just, you know, in waiting for a romantic partner. I think sometimes when I'm talking to strangers in my day to day life, I express love in that way too. It's just wanting to connect with people and seeing, you know, smiles on their faces and engaging in conversation, and even if it's for two minutes, you can connect with people in two minutes. So, you know, I'm exploring all of this as I'm talking about it here, just because, like I said, I was just reflecting a little while ago, and this all of a sudden, came over me, but I'm newly motivated and newly excited to start sharing what's deep inside of me that I've kept hitting for most of my life, and whether people can handle it or not, whether people can see me to my core or not. I don't think it matters. I think the thing that matters the most is my willingness to open myself up in that way and allow myself to be seen in my truest sense, in my truest depth of love, because when it all comes down to it, you know, my doctor saying that I was so sweet and so kind, and thinking back to when I was a kid and always being called sweet and loving, maybe people do see me for who I am. I'm not really sure, but it's more important that I see who I am, and I'm seeing now that that's what I kept hitting all these years. So I'm just going to say that as as I move forward in this podcast, I hope that you'll be able to see and recognize and feel my growth and my my love coming out more and more, and I hope that that's something that you enjoy and and can appreciate, and maybe you can think for yourself about how you hold back your love in your life, and how you can Share it with the world too, and it's really interesting, because for the last few days, and maybe it's been since the blood moon on Friday or Thursday, this past Thursday, I've sort of felt like this nudge in my gut from, I'm gonna say it's from God, because that's what it feels like to me when God is speaking through me, it's usually through my intuition, but I've been feeling this nudge from him, and I feel like it's been a nudge towards opening myself up more and allowing people To hear me, see me, feel me and maybe understand me a little bit better. So I just wanted to share all of that with you guys. And sorry if I'm all congested and a hot mess at the moment, but I felt that it was more important to share all of this with all of my coughing and clearing my throat and crying and whatever, because that's what I'm feeling right now. So I appreciate you listening, and I'll catch you in the next episode. Please join me every Thursday for an. New episode. You can reach my website@podpage.com slash the music of life. Feel free to leave your email address. You can also leave a voicemail and share any kinds of stories or experiences or anything that you'd like to talk about. I promise I will keep you anonymous, but I assure you that whatever experiences or stories you leave for me, you are not alone, and I would love to share that with other people who are also going through similar things. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you in the next episode. You