The Healing Journey Continues: Embracing Introspection

Hey beautiful souls, welcome back to The Music of Life! In this intense episode, I take you with me through an unexpected wave of healing that caught me completely off guard. This wasn't just about revisiting the past—it was about uncovering a wound I didn’t even realize was still bleeding. I had what I can only call an emotional epiphany, and I knew I had to share it with you, not just for connection, but in hopes that it sparks something transformative in your own journey.

If you're walking the path of self-discovery, grappling with past pain, or simply trying to understand your emotional triggers better, this episode is for you. I open up about my relationship with communication, my childhood, and a powerful moment with “baby Caryn” that helped me release and heal in a way I never expected. This is all about truth, inner child work, and the kind of deep soul nourishment that changes you forever. I hope my story helps you feel less alone—and maybe a little more inspired.

Episode Highlights:

[1:30] – Realizing how communication patterns have shaped my relationships.
[3:05] – The clarity that came from emotional triggers in past connections.
[5:20] – The moment I asked, “Who made me feel like I didn’t matter?”
[6:45] – Revisiting childhood memories and emotional absence.
[8:30] – Connecting with “baby Caryn” and giving her the love she needed.
[10:10] – The importance of validating your own emotions.
[11:45] – How quickly transformation can happen when we go inward.
[13:00] – Why no one can disappoint me anymore—and why that’s empowering.
[14:25] – Final reflections on healing, purpose, and sharing your journey to help others.

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Transcript

Caryn Portnoy: 0:02

Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. You so this episode may be pretty intense. While I've been talking about healing and a spiritual journey and all these things, I had a bit of an epiphany last night, and it made me kind of go inside introspectively, and it went pretty deep, and I wanted to share, for anybody who's on a healing journey or is just starting one or anything like that, I just want to share my my process and how I came to heal something last night that I wasn't expecting, which is kind of how it works sometimes. So I started thinking about people in my life over the years. And, you know, I always pride myself on clear communication. I'm all about clarity and communication, and I've always been disappointed by certain people in my life because they didn't communicate, or they didn't communicate well, or they communicated when it was convenient for them, but not to the extent that it was convenient for me, the guy that I spoke about, that I was involved with online and over the phone and over FaceTime from Colorado, that was one of the things that I felt very Easily came to both of us was communication and clarity. And it kind of became a joke at some point, because he, he was very complimentary and commended my ability to communicate so well, so clearly, so effectively. And we would laugh at, you know, I'm all about clarity, and even he fell short in the communication issue, because I noticed that he was a great communicator when it was convenient for him. And what I figured out was that I was triggered. I was upset. You know, there was, there were times when it wasn't convenient for him to communicate with me, and I called him out on it a couple of times, and it became, ultimately, I think it was the reason for our breakup. So last night, I started thinking about the people in my life who have disappointed me with communication, people who have just vanished out of my life, and, you know, with without any explanation or any clarity towards me. And it's a very confusing state to be like, you know, why did I deserve that? Or what did I do wrong? Or if they if it was them, then why didn't they just say I'm going through something and, you know, I can't be in touch right now something, you know. So anyway, I got to thinking about this common thread amongst people in my life and over time, and it started to add up, and I started looking at it last night. Why was this triggering me so much? So it didn't take more than a minute to figure it out. Though, what came to me was a question. I went inward and said, Who made me feel this way? Who in my life made me feel that I didn't matter or that I wasn't important enough for communication? I mean, we know the pattern that resulted from all of this. And you know, especially in my marriage, where there was, it was a one sided communication. I communicated and he didn't. So I immediately went inward into prayer, and while I had God's ear, I asked myself, who in my life made me feel like I didn't matter? And the answer came immediately, my mother. She was so busy, caught up in her own life that even when she was home in our small apartment, she was still so far away from me, I don't remember spending any quality time with her. We watched a horror movie once when, I think I was seven, I don't think she even knew what it was about, but we watched this movie together, and that movie traumatized me, you know, for the rest of my life. So in those young ages, I just, I don't remember her ever wanting to cuddle with me, or, you know, there were times like if I was really upset, or if I wasn't feeling well, she would come and scratch my back for a few minutes, or play with my hair, or something like that. But it was so far and few between, and it was never like on a Tuesday. There had to have been a reason for her. To tend to me like that. I never felt like she asked about my day or my friends or school or anything like that. I just didn't feel important to her. I felt like I didn't matter, and I certainly wasn't seen by her. And as this started to bubble up in my psyche, the tears started flowing in full force, you know, acknowledging those feelings and giving them proper validation to what I'm going to call baby Karen, even though I was like, six or seven years old in my mind at this time, but the adult me was now taking over and talking to baby Karen and showering her with love and validation, how she is so loved, how she matters so much, how clearly I see the light, the love and shine from within her, brighter than the brightest star in the sky, that I'm so proud of her for who she is and who she's yet to become. I know she will do incredible things in her life and share her light and love to the world someday, she is never alone and will never feel alone again. I'm always here for her, and I will never leave her. I will be with her, walking alongside of her every day of her life, cheering her on with so much love and admiration my sweet little Karen, and so I asked her, in my mind what she would like to do together. She simply answered, play with makeup. So we have a date tomorrow on Sunday to play with makeup. I can't wait you. It's no coincidence that the last few days, I've been asking myself, How else do I need to pour into myself? What else am I needing? I turn to God once again, and I say, Thank you, God for leading me to my answer about how else I need to pour into myself. I got it now. I guess the point of this whole thing and sharing this journey and process is to just tell you that the more I practice this, the more I go inward, the more I ask the tough questions and face the tough answers, knowing that God is supporting me the whole way. You know, where I started two and a half years ago, versus where I am now. It's amazing. I mean, this whole introspection last night, I want to say it took maybe a half hour from start to finish. And so this is how quickly something like that can be resolved and and how transformative it can be, and because I started off two and a half years ago, feeling my feelings and making space and room for all of this stuff to bubble up and come out. You know, it's never fun by any stretch. It's freaking painful, but it's so necessary, because the more we feel our feelings, the more they go through us and they and they leave. And then, you know, we heal a little bit more each time we do that. So to give myself that room and space to feel my feelings and let my emotions come out. And, you know, face the things that are hard to face, it's just, it just brings that much more healing, that much more growth, that much more evolution. And I feel like lighter today. I feel freer today. I feel like, you know, I could think about sweet little Karen and look forward to being with her tomorrow, and that's a really sweet, lovely, wonderful feeling. So if there's anyone you know who's in the midst of healing who wants to start anything like that, I applaud you so much. It takes so much courage and so much bravery and strength, and it's so worth it, every tear, every time you scream, every time you you know you're frustrated, you're hurt, you're abandoned, you're anxious, anything like that. It's worth it on the other side, I swear to you. And even when you go through something so painful, and even if you ever scream out to God, why are you letting this happen? Why are you letting this happen? I really did have to change that narrative. I don't think that he lets us go through it. I think he allows us to for our own growth. And when you think about a parent and how a parent, you know, teaches you lessons. I feel that God does the same thing for us, and it's only in hindsight, when we can look back and see the journey that we went through to get to some resolution that we can be grateful for that lesson, even though it may have been painful. You. So now I look back at what happened last night, and I realized that I can forgive the people who I felt disappointed me with their communication. I don't think it was ever done on purpose, intentionally. At least I'd like to believe that. I think that people, you know, they would do better if they could, and it's not a reflection on me. I didn't do anything wrong. It's just where people are in their own lives and their own skills and their own abilities. And you know, that's not for me to judge and it's not for me to decide. So in this journey of self healing, I've learned that the most important thing is to communicate to myself, by myself, with myself, and then I have everything I need, and I don't have to look outside of myself for someone to fulfill that for me. And I'll tell you something that is an immense amount of power to know that nobody can break me, nobody can crush me, and nobody is ever going to disappoint me because I am full myself. I think that was an epiphany. Just now I'm trying to think about this, could anyone actually disappoint me? I don't think so. I mean, when you fill your own cup with whatever it is that you need, then whatever somebody does outside of you, positive or negative, it doesn't take away from anything that you've already given yourself. It just adds to it. So if someone is an awesome communicator, and, you know, leaves me feeling like fully satisfied with their level of communication, to me, great, that's an addition to my life. But if they don't, it doesn't take away anything, because I already have it for myself. I hope that makes sense. I just wish this for everyone that you know, while you may be contemplating any kind of healing work, whether it's spiritual or otherwise, I think it's so worthwhile. But I can say that because I'm on the other side, not fully on the other side, but you know, I've done enough healing work to know that it's so worth it. Like I've said before, there's no 100% healing in this lifetime. It's just you can only heal as much as you can possibly heal by yourself. We can heal so much more after that, within relationships, whether it's a romantic partner or friendships or family or whatever we were meant to be in relationship with other human beings. So I believe that that's why we're here, part of why we're here to help heal each other. And you know, ultimately, that's why I'm doing this podcast to help heal and inspire other people. And you know, that's when we do something well, and we know what we're doing, and we get better because of it. Why wouldn't we want to share that with other people? I mean, it's awesome. It's awesome. I love the idea of just everybody sharing whatever they've been successful at. I mean, why wouldn't we want humanity to get better? This world is in chaos right now, and I feel like you know, the more we can love each other and the more we can unite and elevate I mean, imagine how transformative that would be to the whole world. And again, I'm not here to judge anyone. I'm not here to tell you what to do or what not to do, or anything like that. That's that's not my purpose here at all. And I hope that when you're listening to this podcast, you understand that anything that I share has a purpose and a meaning, and my intention is to make people's lives better as a result of what I've been through. So I hope that you've gotten something out of this. I hope that maybe you can think about it for yourself and how things like this can apply to you too. I invite you once again, to reach out to me on my website, which is podpage.com/the, music of life, either send me an email or a voicemail and just share whatever you'd like. You can ask me anything. I promise to keep you anonymous, and I would just love to be able to help as many people as I can. So thank you for listening. I'll see you in the next episode. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. You can reach my website@podpage.com slash the music of life. Feel free to leave your email address. You can also leave a voicemail and. Share any kinds of stories or experiences or anything that you'd like to talk about. I promise I will keep you anonymous, but I assure you that whatever experiences or stories you leave for me, you are not alone, and I would love to share that with other people who are also going through similar things. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you in the next episode you.