We're Only Human After All

Hey everyone—today’s episode is a vulnerable one. I open up about the highs and lows of my journey through grief, healing, and personal transformation. From losing my mom during a time of deep emotional stress to navigating a long and toxic divorce while cohabitating with my ex, I share what it’s been like to survive, rest, and rebuild—both inside and out.

If you’ve ever struggled with gaining or losing weight as a response to emotional trauma, or felt like your healing was outpacing your physical progress, this episode is for you. I talk about the power of movement, honoring your body without obsession, and the beauty of redefining what strength and self-love look like—especially when no one else sees the work you’re doing behind the scenes.

Episode Highlights:

[0:02] - Reflecting on the stress and emotional toll of managing her mom’s illness from afar.
[2:15] - Discovering strength and stamina through treadmill workouts and how it affected her appetite.
[3:45] - How physical transformation became the gateway to emotional clarity and initiating divorce.
[5:05] - Surviving an abusive cohabitation during a three-year divorce and its impact on her health.
[7:30] - Transitioning into a period of nervous system recovery and PTSD healing.
[9:10] - Staying spiritually committed to healing even during the most painful times.
[10:50] - Frustration over post-divorce weight gain despite deep inner work.
[12:00] - Recommitting to gentle movement and reframing expectations about fitness.
[13:20] - Letting go of old versions of herself and embracing new forms of self-care.
[14:50] - A final reminder to give ourselves grace and trust the timing of our transformation.

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Transcript

Caryn Portnoy: 0:02

Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. You. I know I spoke in earlier episodes about when my mom was sick and dying in June of 2020, and since I was primarily on her medical case in New York while she was in Florida, it was seven weeks of torture for me, dealing with all of her care, long distance and with all of that stress, I really didn't have much of a release for it. So I wound up turning to my treadmill, and over time, I really kind of built up really great stamina and really consistent commitment to using my treadmill and exercise to release stress, and as a result, I ended up realizing that I really didn't need as much food as I took in before all of this. So between eating less and moving more organically, I ended up losing a lot of weight, and I went from like a size 1416 down to an eight without paying attention to that transition. It was just more out of survival for me to be able to deal with my mom's illness and her passing. So having lost all that weight and feeling really good in my body and being happy and confident and all of that as a result of my weight loss and increased activity levels and all of that, I think it really helped build the strength that I needed to ultimately divorce my husband. And so I would say it was a good six months or so after I had lost weight and did all of that that I finally got the strength to serve my husband. So I'm just going to say that it went downhill very fast. I would say, starting the day that I served him, it was just there was no calibrating myself at all. It was just he was threatening me and already coming at me. There was no time to really prepare for this. As a result, I would say that the next two years and our divorce lasted three years while we all lived together, my ex husband, my daughter and myself, and for the first two years, I could barely even get off the couch. The stress was off the chain, and I was just in survival mode. My ex husband was doing everything he could to destroy me on every level, and I just I was in fight, flight or freeze relentlessly for three years. I so for two years of the three, I was in a very sedentary place, because it's like all of my resources went to fighting emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, intellectually, mentally, I mean, every which way, and then I had to fight in court. So, you know, legally, and he wasn't paying for the status quo within the home as he was supposed to. So there was financial stress, and it really took its toll on me. So rather than turn to my treadmill like I did with my mother's situation and that stress, this was a whole other kind of stress that was now, I was not able to relieve that stress through exercise, so I ended up gaining weight back and then some. And it was very difficult, because while I was so upset that this was what was happening, I wasn't in a position to do anything about it, like I did with my mom and during that time, and by the time we actually divorced this time last year? Well, this was when we signed our divorce agreement, May of 2024, and when I moved out of the house. Since that was the only way it was going to end, I was in a state of recovery for a solid five months, just letting my nervous system Calm down, letting. My body realized that it was safe to rest and, you know, waiting for some of the PTSD symptoms to kind of subside. So, you know, I had been on a very intense spiritual healing journey for two and a half of the three years during the divorce, while being abused, which was, you know, exponentially difficult. I don't know many people who would be able to have the strength to intensely heal at the same time that they're being abused, but I took on that challenge because that's what I do. You and so after I was recovering, and you know, I'd been in therapy for years, as I've mentioned before, and my therapist was very impressed with how hard I was healing, how dedicated and committed I was to it and relentless. I just I refused to let my ex break me. I refused to let him crush my spirit and close my heart. And therefore it kind of drove me to heal. And so for the last year, now that we're six months officially divorced, it's been more like a year of just resting and recovering and healing on a different level. And, you know, finding peace within myself and figuring out who I was and and what version of myself would now emerge, and discovering the things that I liked that made me happy, that you know, what activities I wanted to try, what hobbies I wanted to try, you know, I keep saying this is my era of saying yes and not saying no. So I've been trying new things, new adventures, new new friends, you know, like my new life is emerging, and, you know, I've needed to rest and and and give myself that break. My career is is starting to take off, building the things that make me happy and light me up and that I'm so passionate about, including this podcast, but not exclusively, and I definitely have other projects that I'm working on and and I'm really proud of myself for for going forward with this and following my dreams and and finding new passions Along the way, but I will say this last year has been also very frustrating in the sense that I'm really struggling with the fact that I have not been able to take the weight off that I had gained throughout my divorce, because I've been resting and self care and self Love and all of that. And I just really always believed, and I still do, that my outside will catch up to my inside, but I really needed to focus on my inside steadily for this last year. I mean, the amount of healing I've done is like insane. And that's not to say that, you know you don't fall off the wagon, or you don't regress here or there. You know, that's I always say, that it's not about falling off the track. It's about how you get yourself back on and so while I'm, you know, I've been talking a lot about the things that I've healed from and the work that I've done and and all of that, and I'm so proud of myself for doing all of that. It was not easy at all. It was the hardest work I've ever done in my life. And at the same time, I'm human. I fall off track, I regress, I you know, I It's what happens. We're we're not perfect. But I remember my therapist told me a long time ago that as long as you're on track more often than you're off, there's really not much more you can expect from yourself. Nobody is perfect, including me. You so I've been newly committed to moving my body more. And while I I have not dieted in decades, and I don't believe in dieting for myself. It's not good for me. It's not good for my head. When I was in my 20s, and I was obsessively dieting, and, you know, I get on the scale five times a day, and that's not healthy either. So I stopped dieting because I was a yoga Dieter for most of my life, and it it didn't work in the sense that, you know, anybody can lose weight on a diet, but. But the second you go off it, you gain it back and then some, and that was just not a pattern that worked for me. So losing the weight when my mom was sick was the most organically done ever in my life. So I know that I can do it that way. It's just hard. So it's hard, like everyone acknowledges that it's hard to lose weight. So anyway, so I've recommitted myself to moving more, and that's usually how it starts with me. So I've been taking my dog on much longer walks, and it's good for both of us. And I've been kind of getting more on a steadier schedule with that, which is great. I don't track the mileage, I don't track the steps, I don't track any of that, because to me, that feels like stepping on a scale and that just it's not what it's about. It's about the journey. It's not about the destination. So, you know, I focus on the foliage. I focus on scenery and the lush flowers and trees and birds and all that stuff, and I just enjoy being with my dog and taking a nice walk outside. And it's been great. Yesterday, I walked seven, approximately seven miles, and the only reason was because I asked Siri how long it was. But you know, it wasn't to the fraction of a mile. It was just approximately how long is it from here to there? And that's what she said. So I was happy to know that, because, you know, I used to walk like, 10 miles on the beach a couple of years ago, and you know, I wasn't sure if I was going to get back to that or not. But, and that, that's another thing I told a friend of mine not too long ago who, you know, she would say that she used to do X, Y and Z, you know, she would do this at the gym, she would eat this, you know, whatever. And that's when she felt her best. And I said, but you're not the same person now. That was how many years ago and and you can't keep looking backwards at what you did back then, because we'll never be able to chase what we once were, once what we once did, and what genes we used to fit into and all of that. Because, you know, our bodies change. Things change. Everything changes. So you can't look backwards like that. But you know, I try to impart to her that, you know, be in the moment, do what feels right for you today, and stop comparing yourself to what was and so I'm taking my own advice, because yes, I walked 10 miles on the beach a couple of years ago, but I can't do that right this second, and maybe it looks different this time. Maybe it means, you know, walking around my neighborhood a few times to get that mileage up, but you know, it's not going to be the same, and that's okay. You so now that I walked around seven miles yesterday, I feel good. I feel newly inspired to keep going. And, you know, I promised my dog a longer an even longer walk today. So we'll, we'll go out and and enjoy the nice weather and all of that, and meeting other dogs in the neighborhood. So I really just wanted to share that, although I've, you know, talked a lot about what I've healed from, and what work I've done, and all of that as a way to help and inspire other people who are going through something similar. I really just wanted to take today to to be human for a moment and just share the struggles that I'm having too. You know, I know I'll get there. I eventually not putting a time limit on myself. I'm not putting a how many pounds I want to lose, or how many miles I want to walk, or anything like that. But like I said, the outside is is going to catch up with the inside, and as long as I keep working on the inside, the outside will catch up anyway. I hope you get something out of this episode. I hope it resonates with you on some level. And if nothing else, I think it's really important to just always give ourselves grace. You know, we'll get to where we need to get to and whatever else we want to do. As long as we're focused and determined and committed, we'll get there. There's no rush, there's no deadline. So I think I will give myself Grace today for the fact that I'm not where I wish I was, but I'm working towards where I want to be, and I'll get there when I get there. Anyway, thanks for listening. I'll catch you in the next one. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode, if you'd like to reach out to me and. Ask questions or share stories of your own, your own experiences through any of these things, I would love to hear from you. Please also subscribe. You.