Breaking Free From Archaic Marriage Dynamics Regarding Money

In this week’s episode of The Music of Life, I reflect on a powerful conversation I had with a fellow divorced friend about archaic marriages and the evolving dynamics of relationships. From financial control in my own marriage to navigating solitude post-divorce, I share some deeply personal experiences that shaped my views on marriage, independence, and the importance of protecting oneself financially.

If you've ever felt like marriage was an outdated concept or questioned why people still tie the knot without thinking it through, this episode will speak to you. I open up about how I took charge of our finances, my surprising investment journey, and why a solid prenup is non-negotiable for me moving forward.

Episode Highlights:

[0:24] - Chatting with a friend about archaic marriages and reflecting on generational dynamics.

[1:30] - Taking over household finances and managing bill payments.

[2:36] - Enjoying independence and the benefits of solitude post-divorce.

[3:43] - The shift from control to personal responsibility in handling money.

[5:14] - Growing a $3,000 investment to $76,000 and what it taught me.

[6:32] - Suspecting financial manipulation involving child support during the divorce.

[8:04] - Insights from a NYC divorce attorney on the rising divorce rate.

[9:19] - Societal pressures to marry and how they shape relationship decisions.

[11:26] - The absolute necessity of a prenup and setting financial boundaries.

[12:56] - Reflecting on the control dynamics and why I'd never repeat those mistakes.

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Transcript

Caryn Portnoy: 0:02

Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. You I was just talking to a divorced friend of mine, and we were talking about the concept of archaic marriages. And, you know, we're both pretty much the same age, and we're come from a generation where our parents and our grandparents the way their marriages were and how, you know, the husband ruled the house, and the wife kind of did whatever the husband said. And that was kind of the dynamic. And so when I was thinking about my own marriage, and, you know, I always kind of felt that we had that model of, he went to work and he made the money, and he set the law down, and he set the rules. And, you know, was, was very controlling in the marriage, but it you know about money in particular, it wasn't a partnership. It wasn't about let's discuss how to spend this money, or let's discuss how much we should save, or whatever it was, how much to invest, or whatever it was, just he kind of set the law. So at some point, and I don't remember when this changed, but I don't remember whose idea this was it. It might have been his initially, and maybe I kind of chimed in, but there came a point early in our marriage where his paychecks would be direct deposited into my checking account, and I would pay all the bills from there. And, you know, I set up as much as I could on auto pay, so I didn't have to worry about it. But there were definitely bills that changed amounts every month, or credit card bills or anything like that. It was just, you know, those I had to pay attention to, and I would mark on my calendar when they were due so I knew when to pay it and and it worked fine. There were a couple of times that I ran into some snags where there was an unexpected bill, or there was something that was late or something like that, but it was the exception, not the rule, and it didn't happen often. So when my friend and I were talking about archaic marriages, you know, it was kind of in the context of where we are now, as divorced, single women, and what we would want in our future. And, you know, look, I am nowhere near the concept of marriage right now. I'm finally catching my breath and living my life and independent and freedom and space and time, and I don't answer to anyone. I don't have to account to anybody. It's It's freaking awesome. And I love this time in my life and and where I'm headed, but at the same time, if, if and when I meet the right person and partner, and there's a possibility of marriage down the line. I mean, way down the line. I've learned so much in my dating my ex husband, in my living with my ex husband. Before marriage, once we got engaged, there was, you know, a little time before the the actual marriage happened, and then all the years of being married. So there were different cycles and different phases and things that happened in each of those time periods. So, you know, as the marriage went on, it just became more combative. And I think that money really does sour a marriage if you're not on the same page in all areas? Because, you know, people grow up in different households and different values and morals about money and what their parents taught them about money, or didn't I think that I became much more responsible about money, but not because my husband led me to that. It was more I think it was when I started, and I took about $3,000 worth of marital money while we were married, and he knew about it, and and I wanted to try my hand at investing and see how I would do. And I am not a financial person in terms of, like, you know, investing, I really didn't know much about it, but I kind of went by instinct and intuition, and I invested in things that I used and companies that I knew about. Out, and over time, I grew that account to $76,000 which I was pretty proud of. Didn't happen overnight, but, you know, I stuck with it, and I was not emotional in my investments. I was very, you know, detached mentally, and I approached it, you know, in a business standpoint. So I was very proud of myself. And it turned out that it was such a blessing that I did that, because once we were knee deep in our divorce, and my ex husband was supposed to keep the financial status quo in the home, whatever he paid for during the marriage. He was supposed to keep that up during the divorce, while we were living together. Of course, he refused to do that, as I've mentioned in earlier episodes. And if I know my ex husband the way I know him, it would not shock me at all to know that he probably sold my daughter on the idea that he would pay me the least amount of money possible, and whatever the difference was, he would pay that to her, whether it was in the form of clothing or shoes or sneakers or jewelry or whatever it was, he said no to nothing, and he spoiled her like nobody's business. And I'm pretty sure that that was kind of how he sold it to her. I don't know what he actually said to her, but from my standpoint, that was what it looked like to me, and it would not surprise me in the least that that's actually what happened. So we were talking my friend and I about how we felt about marriage going forward. And, you know, having spent the last 13 months in like intense solitude, not isolation, but solitude, I certainly made time to see friends and be with other people. It wasn't like I was, you know, a complete hermit, but I did prioritize solitude for myself while I continued healing and and working really hard on myself to heal my inner wounds and traumas and past and to make myself better for myself, and to get to a more peaceful, balanced and stable place within myself. But when I think about marriage in the future, you know, there's so many lessons I learned about what went wrong in my marriage, what I wouldn't tolerate going forward, what I wouldn't allow or accept, how I want to show up in a marriage in the future. So I will tell you, since I'm talking about money right now, I would never, ever, ever get married again without a solid prenup. You and there's this divorce attorney in New York City that I've heard interviewed many times, and I adore him. I think he's so smart, and I love what he stands for and how he approaches his clients and all of that. But he was saying that it used to be where one in two marriages ended in divorce. So we were fed this narrative for so many decades about how 50% of marriages end in divorce, but now that number is actually higher. So you factor in all of the marriages that are not happy and not really united, whether you have one person cheating on the other, or you have other situations that divide you, you know where you're basically roommates and so parents stay together for the sake of the children, and those kinds of circumstances. So it's definitely not a happy union, and it's not a functioning marriage in the sense that the children don't grow up with good role models here. But anyway, so I think that stat is now 54% if you factor in the couples that stay together for the kids, that it's really 54% of marriages end in divorce. So you know, the odds are really stacked against marriage. And his whole point is that it's, it's like, the most reckless decision that couples make is to actually get married. But this is the idea, you know, the archaic marriage theory that my friends and I spoke of. It was like, you know, you were expected to get married, and you were kind of shunned a little if you were older and still single and never married and no children, and it became a stigma that at some point you were kind of obligated to settle down and have a family and all of that, and nobody really cared so much whether you found the right partner for. Yourself, it was just generationally, you matched up with someone, and you somehow tried to make it work, but nobody really put the effort and the work into vet people enough to know whether they were really a good partner for you, whether you would have success in a marriage. So this divorce attorney that I'm speaking about, you know, he was saying that he he tries to advise people before they get married, like, you know, people that come to him for whatever reason, whether they're considering divorce or whatever, or they're considering getting remarried, whatever the situation is. You know, he was saying that he says to people, why do you want to get married? What? What's the purpose of it for you? What? Like, what are you looking to get out of it? And a lot of people don't really consider it, you know, they don't see it through. They don't go down that path and see what they're trying to accomplish by getting married. I mean, you could certainly live together forever. You can still have children without needing to have, you know, a wedding contract. It's a government issued contract, and it just seems so barbaric when you consider how unsuccessful people are, especially more now than ever you Yeah. So for me, I think during this time, while I've considered relationships and marriage and divorce and all of that, I really thought about how important it would be if I ever considered marriage again, that a prenup has to be in place, ironclad on both ends, not just for me, but you know, I think it's fair to say that whatever I come into a marriage with is mine, and what that other person comes into the marriage with is his. And if we choose to have joint money together, then we equally contribute, and we decide how we're going to approach that. But I wouldn't do it any other way. I just not especially where I'm building my business, and I am thinking down the road financially, and I, you know, as a woman, it's I don't want to be dependent on a man financially. It's, it's a very insecure kind of feeling, because you never know, you never nobody knows what's going to happen in the future. So I'm at the place now, of you know, while I have strong boundaries and while I have high standards, i i also want to self protect for sure, and I think the guy should, too. When I look back and think about how my ex husband, you know, direct deposited his paychecks into my checking account. If I were a guy, I'm, you know what, I would never do that. How do you like, completely give up control to another person with your money? I just baffles me, but it's working in my favor at this point. I, you know, I'm getting half of all of his retirement just based on how many years we were married and and, you know, we're getting that figured out now. And I get my monthly maintenance, and I don't get child support because my ex husband manipulated my daughter to say that she wanted to live with him so that he didn't have to pay me child support. And once again, I assure you, he is giving that money that he would have been paying me to her. So I'm curious what your thoughts are about prenups, about getting married again. How many people have had multiple marriages and divorces and how that worked out? I'm curious what kind of feedback anybody is brave enough to share with me. So anyway, thanks for listening. Catch you next week. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode, you can reach my website@podpage.com slash the music of life. Feel free to leave your email address. You can also leave a voicemail and share any kinds of stories or experiences or anything that you'd like to talk about. I promise I will keep you anonymous, but I assure you that whatever experiences or stories you leave for me, you are not alone, and I would love to share that with other people who are also going through similar things. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you in the next episode. You