Legal Battle to Keep Podcast Alive

Hey everyone, it's Caryn. In this episode, I’m sharing a very personal and powerful update about the legal battle I’ve been navigating—yes, someone actually tried to shut down this podcast with a 273-page motion! I’m also opening up about a deeply emotional meditation I recently had that brought back memories from one of the hardest times in my life—my divorce. But this time, I saw things from a totally new angle, and the insights I gained were intense and, honestly, transformative.

I’m diving into how abuse can show up in different forms, the way some people operate from destruction rather than compassion, and what happens when you choose to rise anyway. This conversation goes deep—into resilience, spiritual self-reflection, and why building your own healing path (rather than following someone else’s blueprint) can be the most empowering thing you’ll ever do. If you’ve ever been in the trenches and wondered how to find your way out, this one is for you.

Episode Highlights:

 [0:22] - A surprising update: fighting a court motion to shut down the podcast
 [2:04] - A deep meditation unlocks painful memories from the divorce
 [3:15] - Exploring the many layers of abuse—mental, emotional, financial, and more
 [5:00] - A realization: Was the destruction meant to force dependence?
 [6:18] - The moment he saw I wasn’t broken—and why that mattered
 [7:45] - Pulling myself out of the darkness and beginning to thrive
 [8:33] - Psychology, therapy, and the value of lifelong introspection
 [10:02] - Transformation through pain—what healing has looked like for me
 [11:10] - Creating my own healing path instead of following the crowd
 [12:30] - A reflection on friendships, admiration, and what true support looks like
 [13:45] - My mission: being a guiding light for others walking hard paths

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Transcript

Caryn Portnoy: 0:02

Karen, hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life. I'm your host. Karen Portnoy, before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. Hi everyone. First. I just want to apologize for skipping last week's episode. I've been extremely busy preparing for court. I'm not going to say too much about it, other than I was brought back to court with a 273 page motion to shut my podcast down, and I'm happy to say that that is not happening. Court said that they have no control, power or jurisdiction to shut it down, being that it's freedom of speech. So I'm happy to report that this podcast will continue on for however long I choose to have it. So that's the first thing. Second thing is, and this is going to be another intense one, and I'm not going to apologize for it, because I found it fascinating. But I was deep in meditation recently, and what came up was really kind of like mind blowing to me. You know, it's interesting because, you know, I never know when I when I meditate. I mean, they, they all go deep, but it's, I'm a deep person. I'm not going to apologize for that, but I just know that oftentimes when I'm meditating, there are some pretty profound things that come up for me. And I, this happened to me recently, and what I I wound up kind of just sitting with it for days because I really just needed to process it, and just, oh, boy, you anyway. So what happened was I was brought to the time in my divorce, and I've spoken about this before, so I'm not really saying anything new, but the way that it was presented to me in my meditation, and the way that I kind of pieced it together was kind of a different perspective. So I was brought back to the time in my divorce, which was pretty much three years during my divorce that we lived together. And as I said in prior episodes, my ex husband was very abusive towards me, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, I even mentioned sexually, and not in the sense of being assaulted, but withholding So, withholding sex, love and affection, so sexually and then legally and financially. So, you know, I don't know other ways to be abused other than physically, and that almost happened one night in our daughter's room in front of her, and I spoke about that earlier. So again, nothing new, but in all the ways that I was abused during this time, my meditation brought me back to just kind of going over all of those different ways. And I don't believe that this was something that was a conscious choice. Maybe it was, I don't know, but my ex husband is not a deep person, so, and I'm not being mean by saying that. It's just the reality. He's a very surfacey kind of person, and so I don't believe that what I'm about to say is something that was premeditated or even thought about on a deep level. Maybe it was thought about on a shallow level, I don't know, but I believe that His purpose and His reasoning for trying to destroy me on all those different levels, was because he wanted me to be in such despair and such ruin that I would be forced To turn to Him and ask Him for help, and that that was a big thing for me to process, because I don't think that he, he doesn't think that way, and and he doesn't, he doesn't strategize that way, I think in his mind, and again, this is my perspective. I think in his mind, he just set out to destroy me in any way that he could do that. I don't believe he goes deeper than that. I don't think that he thinks about consequences or, you know, I don't think he plots out what could happen and and what may not happen, or whatever. I don't think he thinks that way. I. So I think that he did all of that so that I would turn to Him and and ask for help, like help pull me out of the darkness, kind of thing. And I think the reason that he might have done that, hoping that I would turn to Him and ask Him for help, was so that he could turn around and say to me, sorry, can't help you, which would be the ultimate nail in my coffin, you know, like, watch me not make it out. So, you know, when I think about evil and people's malintent and wanting bad on somebody else, things like that. It just blows me away, the depth to some people reach, and just how deep it goes. So I think the thing that he underestimated or didn't expect or maybe calculated against was that I wouldn't turn to him because I didn't need him to pull me out and to help me. I don't think he counted on that at all. And so when I hit rock bottom, and he watched, he watched it all from the time that I was spiraling and totally dysregulated through all that that I was living through to once I started my healing journey. I don't think that he even noticed that for quite some time, and maybe not at all while we were living together. But there had to have been a time that he noticed that I wasn't ruined, that I was somehow surviving, that I was somehow pulling myself out of this. He had to have noticed that. And that's probably when he doubled down at any point and just, you know, kicked it into high gear, but the fact that I did pull myself out and help myself out and work on myself, and you know, all that I did to heal myself at the same time I was being abused, he did not count on that at all, for sure. So once he started to see that I was healing, that I was going in the other direction, I was not going to let him break me. I've said this before. I did not let him crush my spirit. I did not let him close my heart. So for me to pull myself out and heal and and then start to thrive, must have scared the shit out of him. So it's interesting how court has played out recently, because he worked very hard, very hard in this motion to bring me down in court once again. And you know the fact that court is not allowing my podcast to be shut down, it's a pretty big win for me. We're still not done in court, so I can't discuss anything else at the moment, but you know that decision has already been made, so I'm I'm okay about talking about that part of it. So anyway, back to my meditation. It just It really blew me away and and, you know, that's one of the things about self reflection and looking inward and doing the healing work and all of that, because it allows you to see the same thing in different ways, and to process it differently and to have new perspectives. And I've always been so fascinated by self awareness and self introspection, because I've always been interested in psychology, the fact that I've been in therapy for most of my life, I mean, it's an interesting topic human behavior and how all of that works. You know, once again, I think I've said before that, you know, it was, it was in high school that I remember putting pieces together, you know, just around the family dinner table, when we would be talking about someone or something that happened, and I would kind of make sense of it to everyone, and piece it together and just give my take on things and and it was a skill that I developed early on. So it was, it was always fascinating to me. I remember when I was at Syracuse University, I majored in psychology, and, you know, that was interesting too. So a lot of people have asked me how I've gone about healing, like, what am I doing to heal? How am I doing this? Because people are starting to see and reflect back to me that I'm not the same person. In fact, a. A good friend of mine recently said to me how different I am from the first time she met me, and she's a fairly new friend, but somebody I've known, and she keeps telling me that I was such a different person when we met than who I am now, and it's so cool that she's watched my transformation this whole time, and just how much she respects me and how much she admires me and and all the great things that I'm doing now and what I'm building for myself and and all of that. And she's just so kind of wowed by it, which is so flattering. And I I always appreciate everything she says it's so nice that that people compliment you and respect you. I mean, how often do you get that from people in your life? So you know so many people are jealous or envious or competitive, and they don't say those things. But this particular friend has always been very generous in saying how she feels about me and you know, and likewise, I we're it's a very reciprocal friendship which I really, truly value. So when people ask me how I've healed, I also came to another conclusion recently that, you know, a lot of people kind of follow a similar formula. Or, you know, they'll go to therapy, or they'll they'll have a religious experience in healing, or they'll have a spiritual experience and healing, or they'll turn to self help books or different kinds of support groups or life coaches or whatever it is. And while I think it's all well and good for everybody or anybody who chooses those paths, I've taken a little from a lot of different resources and kind of put it all together in my own recipe. But I've, I've been very clear that I made my own path like I I made it up as I went along. I did what felt right for me. And I'm also very clear that that's not, it's not like I follow the same path as other people. I mean, I'm very clear. I'm a black sheep, very clear. I'm a lone wolf in a lot of ways, and and I own it, and I honor it, and I'm totally good with that, but it meant that I was not going down the same path that most other people would go down. And so by creating my own path, and walking down that way alone, I built something unique, and in my healing, it really did serve me amazingly well. So the only thing I can do is talk about it as things happen and as things come up. And, you know, whatever lessons I've learned, or whatever I can contribute to somebody else. I mean, you know, I keep saying, If I can heal through this, anybody can. I'm not special in that way. I I'm just focused and determined. And I've been through enormous challenges in my life, not just my divorce, but many challenges and struggles in my life and and I've overcome them, so I'm here to be a guiding light and a force, and however, I can help serve other people. That's That's my what my mission is, and I will continue saying that. So I think that's about it for now. We can continue this conversation another time, but so thank you for listening, and I'll catch you in the next one. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. You can reach my website at pod page.com/the, music of life. Feel free to leave your email address, you can also leave a voicemail and share any kinds of stories or experiences or anything that you'd like to talk about. I promise I will keep you anonymous, but I assure you that whatever experiences or stories you leave for me, you are not alone, and I would love to share that with other people who are also going through similar things. Thanks again for listening. I'll see you in the next episode. You.