The Dark Side of Spiritual Healing

What happens when spiritual healing gets uncomfortable? In this deeply honest conversation, I’m opening up about the “dark side” of healing—the unhealed wounds, limiting beliefs, fears, and emotional patterns that don’t magically disappear just because we’ve done inner work. I share how recent challenges forced me to confront old coping mechanisms and recognize that growth doesn’t stop just because we’ve reached a new level of awareness. 

I also talk about the powerful shift I’m learning right now: moving out of hyper-independence and into receiving. From reflecting on my toxic divorce healing journey to navigating feminine and masculine energy, this episode is a vulnerable look at what it really means to evolve spiritually while still being human. If you’ve ever felt frustrated, stuck, or tested during your own growth journey, this conversation will remind you that healing is rarely linear—but it’s always worth it. 

Episode Highlights

[0:02] - Why we rarely talk about the dark side of spiritual healing and shadow work

[1:33] - Reflecting on how my toxic divorce became the foundation of my healing journey

[2:24] - The realization that growth comes in layers and new challenges always emerge

[3:34] - Letting go of my “old self” and learning to embrace the unknown

[4:20] - Recognizing when God is presenting lessons and watching myself react in real time

[5:06] - How recent struggles reminded me of the emotional spirals during my divorce

[6:39] - Introducing my “Becoming Whole Again” divorce mentorship program for women healing from toxic relationships

[8:02] - Understanding how God breaks us down in order to rebuild us stronger

[9:30] - The mindset shift from control and overthinking into peace, calm, and surrender

[10:15] - Realizing my biggest lesson right now is learning how to receive help

[11:05] - Exploring feminine energy, hyper-independence, and asking God for guidance

[12:32] - Why challenges are necessary for growth and how true healing builds self-trust

[13:52] - Final reflections on owning your progress and being proud of the work you’ve done

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message atpodpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode. Check me out on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/caryn-levitt-8a09263a6/

Transcript

Caryn Portnoy: 0:00

Hi everyone, and welcome to the Music of Life. I'm your host, Karen Portnoy. Before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. Hi everyone, welcome back. I just.. I wanted to talk a little bit today about the dark side of spiritual healing, because we don't really talk about that much, right? I think a lot of emphasis is on how we grow, how we evolve, how we, you know, slash the demons in our life and overcome things and learn things and and while that's true we don't really talk about our shadow side so much, which is, you know, kind of what people refer to as their dark side, you know, it could be unhealed wounds and traumas and childhood stuff, you know, limiting belief systems and thought patterns and scarcity mindset and limitation and lack and all that stuff, right? That I mean, those are the things that most people don't want to address. It's scary, it's intense, it's deep, it's all the things that you know it takes a lot of effort and energy and will to face these things, and who wants to spend all that energy and time and effort, right? In short, I do. I have spent most of my adult life, and obviously through my toxic divorce, this was the cornerstone of my spiritual healing journey, was facing all of those demons that you know followed me throughout my life. So I just want to share that in the last few months I am going to talk more about the lessons than the actual specific details, but you know, when you reach a certain level, whatever that level is, and you've done all this healing, and you've done all this work, and you're like, you, you feel like, okay, it's time to coast now, right? Doesn't really work like, gosh, there are always more levels, it goes deeper, it's more intense, it's more stuff to face that maybe you know you had blinders on and you didn't know that it was lurking in the background or you knew it was there and you just chose to work on other things, right. Well, I was faced with, I guess I'm going to say that it's really the fight between the light and the dark, or the positive versus the negative, or good versus evil, or whatever you want to call it, but you know the yin and yang of life, everything has an opposite, and so while I consider myself a very positive and optimistic person, there were some things that came up for me in the last few months that really tested me as, as I continue my journey, letting go of my old self and walking into my new self, and it's kind of like before you can cross that threshold and take on something brand new that you know nothing about, it's like walking into the unknown, you have no idea what this journey is going to be, and yet I'm also thrilled and excited and exhilarated by it, because my old self wasn't so like awesome, I mean I was in certain regards, but there was a lot of pain and a lot of upset and a lot of insecurities and things that weren't there to support me and propel me forward, so to let go of all of the things that made up my quote unquote old life. I'm happy to let all that go and welcome in something that I don't know and can't see, because I know that whatever it is, it's going to be so much better than what I had before. So, I've really had to grapple with a lot of mindset shifting, because a lot of tests came up to challenge me, you know. Am I going to look at this from the light or am I going to look at this from the dark, you know, positive versus negative, up versus down, black versus white, whatever you want to call it. And so I approached it in a way that was of the old me, and you know I'm very clear when God is doing work on me, very clear when there are lessons in front of me that I'm supposed to get, and it's like I'm watching myself in real time to see how am I showing up here, how am I going to respond. Bond to what's ahead of me, meaning what's in front of me. What lesson am I supposed to get? And I found that over a course of time I was approaching it the way that I've always approached it, which wasn't really so good, because clearly God was calling me to approach this differently, if I'm going to be stepping into a new life, I have to regard certain situations with a new perspective, and I wasn't doing that, and I was getting really frustrated and really down, and really kind of like, like I'm on some kind of hamster wheel, but like, why aren't I getting the outcome that I would desire from this, but clearly it was very reminiscent of my toxic divorce, where I was watching in real time when I was spiraling out of control, and I was totally impatient, and I, I thought I had control over everything, which I totally didn't. The rug was totally pulled out from under me, and, and so I had to approach how I was going to handle my divorce with a different perspective, with a different approach, because I could have done, and I tried to do what I knew, what what I knew best wasn't necessarily the way that was going to help me get out of a situation that was meant to destroy me. I had to approach it with a different lens and a different angle, and that's where God came in for me. Hey, I just want to take a minute and tell you about the divorce mentorship program that I created. It's called Becoming Whole Again, and I created it mostly for women who were either considering divorcing their toxic spouse, or they're in the middle of a toxic divorce, or they're on the other side of a toxic divorce. At any stage that you're dealing with the emotional fallout from a horrific toxic divorce, you know what I mean, the text, the triggers, the berating, the harassment, the threats, all those things. I've been there, and I know what you're going through. This isn't therapy, I promise. This is real hands-on support from somebody who has been where you are. I survived it, I thrived from it, and I've actually transformed from it. And along the way, I've gained so much wisdom from a spiritual healing journey that I am so happy to share with you and help you. It's not about fixing you, it's not about telling you what to do. It's about guiding you and guiding you back to yourself. There are so many people out there who need this. I promise you, I hear from them daily. Thank you for your support, and thank you for listening. Okay, now back to the show, you so I know what that process was, because I remember saying during that time when I was really in the thick of it that God was deconstructing me down to zero only to build me back better, and I was very clear that that's what was going on, I felt it in my bones, even though I was in the thick of it, and even though I was like I spiraled so badly at that time, reacting to everything, but what I've been dealing with now has been very reminiscent of that, it's reverberating in my spirit, because I've been approaching what I've been trying to overcome and learn recently, and it's been reminding me of that time, so I kind of had a revelation about this in the last day or two, where I realize now that I have to come at this differently, and how is it going to look for me to do that, and what I came up with, I need to embody being peaceful and resting when I need to rest, and not feeling guilty about it, and I need to be calm, which I'm normally calm, but when I get in my head and nobody else is around, I really like stress over it. I angst over, you know, my spiritual work, and why isn't it? Why isn't something happening? And why aren't I overcoming this, and all that stuff? It just keeps ruminating in my head, so a sense of peace and calm and turning to God, because that is my answer to everything, especially when I'm trying too hard to make something fit or work, and I know that that's not the answer, on top of it I all. So acknowledge that I am terrible at receiving, or let me rephrase that, I was terrible at receiving, I was not good at asking for help, I was hyper independent, I could do everything by myself, I don't need anyone, like that was my whole life, and it worked for me for a very long time, but now it's not working anymore, and I really, I am so in my feminine energy, and yet this issue that I've been dealing with has really put me back into my masculine energy, which I'm not happy about. I mean, look, I've balanced it very well, and I know how to change from masculine to feminine, feminine to masculine, no problem, but I've felt more in my masculine energy recently, and this is because I realized that the lesson I'm trying to learn now has to do with receiving, and receiving is very much in feminine energy. So this is my crux at the moment, and I realize I have to practice receiving. So the first thing is to receive from God, because I mean He's my leader, He's my north star, He's the one that I go to for guidance and help, and He's the only one that I can feel comfortable asking for help, so it's been really interesting, and so now my, my journey over the last, you know, the next few days to a week or so is to really pay attention and embody receiving mode, so I'm, I'm aware that this is my, my new direction, this is my pivoting, my shifting, and clearly letting go of what served me as I was younger, but isn't serving me now. So I'm going to let that go, and I'm going to embody receiving and asking for help, and all those things, as terrifying as that is, I mean, look, everybody's got their baggage and everybody's got their, their fears that stop them from moving ahead, and this is one of mine, but I'm willing to do the work, I'm willing to face it, I'm willing to practice, I'm willing to acknowledge that this is hard for me, and I'm still going to do it, so I just wanted to, you know, share this, because a, I don't want to come across like, you know, I've got it all figured out, and on, I've mastered everything, and I don't ever regress, and I don't ever, you know, have difficulties and challenges, because I assure you that the path to growth are difficulties and challenges, because that's what makes you grow. God just doesn't like, you know, open up a path for you, and it's like smooth sailing. It's not like that, you got to earn it, you got to work through it. So, ah, and that's why it becomes so rewarding on the other side, because your blood, sweat, and tears go into it each time, and at some point you look back, and you realize I did that work, nobody did it for me, and you get to take credit for your own success and your own progress, your own progress. It's amazing when you get to the other side of that, and you can look back and be so proud of yourself, and not give a crap about what other people think, say, or do about what you're doing. It's like you get to own that, and there's nothing better. Anyway, I'm going to wrap it up right now. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your support, and I will catch you next week. Take care. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. You can reach me on my website, which is Pod page.com/the Music of Life. You can leave me a voicemail, a text message. You can leave your contact information if you want to be anonymous. No problem, I promise to honor that. And you can also find all of my social media platforms there as well, which is Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and LinkedIn. Thanks again. I'll see you next week.

Unknown: 14:42

Bye.